0 Ramble Ramble Ramble with a side of update

Its been 3 months since my last post. That's a long bloody time to not have updated or even just written to clear my mind. A lot has happened in that time. Zephran had his 1st birthday and it was a total blast, lots of people showed up and it was a really awesome birthday and I am glad that it turned out so good. Zephran also had his surgery in October. That was possibly the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. Having to hand your child off to someone and not see them for 2 hours and have no idea how things are going is extremely stressful not to mention having to see them in pain and upset afterwards. He handled it like a champ though and had a rough day and a half but after those days all he wanted to do was play! We were told he handled it way better than most kids so that was a bonus. He was stuck in arm braces for 3 weeks after his surgery and that bugged him a bit but after he figured out he could still do everything but shove things in his mouth he was quite content. Of course after those arm braces came off he was much happier and he returned to shoving everything in his mouth again haha.

I had said in my last post that I was still pumping, I officially made it almost 14 months and am now done pumping. Zephran still gets breastmilk however mixed with goats milk and will continue that for a couple more months or so. I am so proud of myself for exclusively pumping that long, it was one of the hardest things I have had to do and it wore down my patience many days but it was so worth it and I would do it again if I had to. I am so proud to say he never had formula and never will, not that its bad if you have to use it but I was glad I didn't have to. He drinks only from a sippy cup now as we had to wean him from his bottle prior to surgery. After his arm braces came off I put the valves back into his cups and he is able to drink from them which means the surgery worked! Zephran also started saying DADA after his surgery, like while in the hospital even, it was quite adorable. He is very close to walking but it still a bit unsure and likes to have the comfort of knowing you are there but I think soon he will take his first steps. He is into everything and leaves a path of destruction wherever he goes but he is a happy and content baby 99.9% of the time. He also is a machine when it comes to food, like hollow leg type of machine. That kid can eat let me tell you. I love watching him grow and learn new things. His curiosity of how things function makes me smile.

I am slowly doing better as well. I have had a really rough time with not living with Dean as well as my mom moving to Edmonton. I have felt quite alone and unsure of how to change the things I needed to change. I really felt like I was turning to food and shopping to fill the voids in my life, this is a daily struggle still however I am aware of the things I was doing so that's a step in the right direction. I start seeing a nutritionist nurse next week so hopefully she can help me to get healthy. I feel like I am addicted to food. I am never full, ever and I don't know why. I should probably go see a counsellor or something to delve deeper into the reasons why I turn to food because I cannot seem to figure it out alone and well I am disgusted with how I look and feel. I know that Dean and my family will support me no matter what, I just need to do it.

Dean and I are doing much better, we will be moving back in together in the new year and are on the right path. I am proud of us both for taking the steps we needed to grow up and be the adults that we knew we could be. Shit gets tough but we're tougher. We are hoping to move into a 3 bedroom place in February-ish, I have started to keep my eye open already so I can see what is a good deal and pricing and so on. He makes me so happy and is such an amazing dad. Watching him with Zephran is super adorable, they are the best of friends and he is a big Daddy's boy. We also got ourselves a new vehicle! A 2012 Dodge Journey. Best investment evvver, it has so much room and is a smooth ride, it is also awesome on gas which is a huge plus considering the Jimmy was a guzzler.

I am also proud to say that I am going back to school in January and am all registered for my classes. i am finishing off my electives and then in September of next year I will be taking the OT/PT assistant course which I have been graciously accepted into! I decided against nursing because as a Doula I knew I wouldn't be able to do the labour and delivery part. They do not always give you fact and I don't agree with a lot of their practices at all. Plus the Physical Therapy aspect of my program will definitely be useful in my birth work. I am very excited to go back to school and use my brain and have some socialization as well. Zephran will be going to my friends house while I am in school, she has a son that was also premie, much more than Zephran but they get along so well. I am glad he will have some child interaction as well.

I feel like I am rambling now and my mind is drawing blanks on what I wanted to write, I should definitely post more, look for some controversial topics coming soon haha. Until next time!

0 Changes

There are many changes happening in my life right now. I am in the process of a life revamp you could say. I have been on a new diet and have lost around 15 pounds and counting, not really noticeable but its a start so that's all that matters. I am also moving next week with Zephran into our own place, its a long story that I don't need to get into but Dean and I need our own time to grow and better our relationship, pregnancy and babies change things, whether you have a strong relationship or not or if your ready for a baby or not things change. I have all the hope in the world that this time apart will help us see what we want and that we will work through it. I know for me its helped open my eyes and has made me want independence more than ever.

I have been contemplating the idea of returning to nursing school in January. I figure that I wont be doing midwifery school anytime soon because it is so unbelievably hard to get into and its in Calgary and there is no way in hell i am going to move there right now or within the next year or two. If i get my nursing degree then I can do a transfer into midwifery once they have that option available which they are working on. I have started nursing so why not finish it. I know I am smart and if I apply myself and work hard I can damn well do anything I set my mind to. The key to success is being my own motivator, whether I have support or not I think this is what I am going to do. I need to start living for me and making decisions for me and Zephran and no one else, plus I know I'd make a damn good nurse. I could even use my doula skills within nursing if I worked labour and delivery. There are so many options for me out there to do what I want. No more lazy I don't care Kaitlin, its time to nut up or shut up.

I have been spending a whole lot less time on the computer and more time with Zephran, he helps me motivate myself and he is growing up so fast. I cant believe he will be a year old next month. He is furniture walking and loves to stand up, next thing you know and he'll be walking, my little baby isn't so little anymore! His surgery date has been booked for October 21st, that makes me soooo nervous. I just cannot even fathom handing him over and him having to be stuck in a hospital again. I know he will be fine though and will come out stronger and healthier.

We had an awesome time in Drumheller meeting Sara and her family. Her oldest daughter loved Zephran and kept giving him hugs and kisses, seriously the most adorable thing ever, it was just nice to meet someone who has been there for me the past 19 months or so and who believes the same things I do and doesn't thing I'm a whack job for believing those things haha.

Anyways I need to pump and get some sleep. Oh yes I am still pumping for Zephran, its been almost 11 months and I plan on going till at least after his surgery, wish me luck. Until next time!

0 Update and ranting

Its been a long time, like 4 months, I guess I've just been busy with family and trying to get the whole Doula thing going as well as Dean is heading back to work soon, a new job and everything which is very exciting! I took my Doula training in May up in Calgary, it was such an amazing experience, I absorbed a lot of information and definitely validated my wants to further my career in birth work. It also made me feel confident in my beliefs of natural birth and parenting and knowing that every woman is capable of having the birth she wants not the birth the hospitals have designed. I really feel that a lot of the young and not so young expecting moms here in Medicine Hat are not educated. Not educated about their options for birth, or parenting and I feel that every woman should have a doula, we are there for support, to offer you alternatives and options and to keep you informed!

Zephran is almost 10 months old now, he is around 25 pounds and is wearing 12-18 month clothes, you'd never know he came out 5 weeks early weighing only 6lbs. He is still pretty much exclusively on breastmilk, we do give him food but he chews and then spits it out, swallowing only once in a blue moon, I don't know if it has to do with his cleft or not but we still give him the option, I am really not to worried. I am still pumping for him and plan to continue to pump at least until after his surgery so my goal right now is 15 months, I still have a little ray of hope that I will be able to teach him to breastfeed after his surgery and if I am successful I plan to breastfeed him until he is 2. Now some people (most that I know IRL) think this is wrong or only for my own selfish benefit, however it is not. The WHO recommends babies be breastfed exclusively(meaning NOTHING else) until 6months of age, then solids may be introduced, they then recommend breastfeeding up until or beyond 2 years of age. A lot of people are not informed on this. Another interesting fact is the WHO's hierarchical chart for feeding babies, surprisingly enough formula is not the second choice, in fact its the last choice. Donor milk is becoming more and more popular as are milk banks and I am so happy this is. Back int he day there were wet nurses and now people think it is absurd, I however would gladly nurse another baby and if my child was able to breastfeed I would let another woman nurse him as well. Boobs are for feeding firstly and for sexual reasons sexually whether you choose to like this fact or not its the truth.

Anyways back to Zephran, he is doing so well, he sits by himself and plays, he has learned to give high 5's and still says MAMA a lot, he still doesn't crawl but more frog crawls? He gets around none the less by rolling and scooting everywhere, he likes to stand when you hold his hand but wont take any steps, he will hold himself up on things but still doesn't try to pull himself up. All in all he is lazy haha, he has no need to do it so he could really care less, he gets to where he needs and wants to go so if it works for him that's all that matters to me. He has started throwing little tantrums when he doesn't get his way, they don't last long because we don't give in haha. He has two bottom teeth and the top two have broke through as well, there are also 2 more on the top that I think will be coming in shortly. He does not handle teething very well even with his amber teething necklace and camillia. He still mostly sleeps through the night though the past few nights he's had a rough time with his teeth so he has gotten up to eat around 12 or 1, I am hoping its not a habit. He is growing up way to fast for me, I miss when he was little and not so mobile yet I am so proud that he is doing so well and learning so many new things.

I have been doing not to bad, definitely getting out of the rut I was in and motivating myself to do things and go to the gym more often as well as just getting out of the house to visit family. I have realized I cannot wait around hoping for things to change themselves but instead I need to BE the change in my own life. If not for me then for my family, but mostly for me too lol. Dean and I are going on a double date tomorrow, I am glad we have a couple to do things with now. We are hitting up the new sushi restaurant in town and then going to the new Harry Potter movie, definitely excited for it. I am also very excited for our trip to Drumheller in August to the museum there as well as to meet one of the Nex mom's I talk to a lot, I am hoping maybe a few others show up too. Those girls have been such a huge support in my life, without them I do not know where I would be.

We got a new vehicle now as well. We traded my saturn for a 4x4 Jimmy, its caused us a few issues already but its bigger and can fit Zephran's new car seat. We got him a Radian XT, seriously best investment ever, he will be able to STAY rear facing until he is 45lbs or outgrows the height which wont probably be until he is 3 or 4 I'd say and then it forward faces until 65lbs so he'll still be in a 5 point harness and then a booster until 80 or 100lbs. Safety is very important to me, car seats save lives. This has been a huge issue for me as well because I see sooooo many kids not in their car seats properly or are turned forward facing before its even legal or in a booster seat when they are not even 40 lbs, its poor parenting, neglect even, your child doesn't know what is safe but you should make it a point that YOU know the law and what is safest for your child. Also know how to use a car seat properly, the chest clip is supposed to line up with the armpits, not the crotch, the straps are supposed to be tight, you are only supposed to be able to fit ONE finger in between the strap and your child, when rear facing the straps are supposed to be at or just below shoulder level, not at their ears, and please DO NOT put your child in a huge bulky snowsuit, it compromises the safety of the seat by compression factor. It really just baffles me at the stupidity of some people. I will never understand how parents cannot give two shits to educate themselves. Enough ranting though. I am going to try and do more updates and such since its good for me and hopefully good for others! Until next time.

0 A new home

Its been awhile since my last post and since then we have moved! I lovvvvee our new place, we are still renting but its a house and we have a yard and laundry facilities which means YES we are now cloth diapering! I was so excited to jump on that band wagon as it saves so much money as well as saves the environment, and well they are cute!

Anyways back to the move. We packed for about a week and were ready for the move on the 23rd (we moved in a week early so that we had time to clean the old place). I was sooo happy that a lot of our friends and family came out to help us move which made the transition way easier and we were all moved over within about 2 hours as well as fully unpacked by the end of the next day. By the 3rd day we had our pictures hung and were quite comfy! My favourite thing about the house is the floors, no carpet, all hardwood and lino which means I got a swiffer and I enjoy cleaning the floors on a daily basis now haha. The only negative I find is that it is regularly freezing in here and I would prefer not to have to run the heater 24/7, we'll find a happy medium though!

On another note Zephran is now almost 7 months old and has started saying "Mamamama" seriously the cutest thing ever and now int he past day or two he's been saying it in a throaty type tone, almost demonic like haha creepy yet funny! He can half army crawl backwards and rolls everywhere, he also loves to stand and jump in his exersaucer. He is still exclusively breastfed though we are thinking that in the next week or two we will sit him in his highchair and put some food on there and see what he does, if he wants to eat it he can and if not then no harm in it! I have also decided to not always pump 3 times a day but sometimes cut it down to 2, I am still getting 30 oz or so a day which is enough for Zephran and I have two boxes of frozen milk. My goal was to make it to 8 months at least, if I can go longer then I will, if not I will still have him on Breastmilk whether its mine or someone else's.

I am starting to get excited and a bit nervous for my Doula course. It is on May 13-15th in Calgary and I know its going to be an amazing experience! I hope that in being a Doula I can make a huge change in many women's and families lives and I hope to make their birth a wonderful experience!

In other news, I have finally started to lose weight! It is slow coming off but hey its better than gaining or staying the same. So far I am down 10 pounds, its not noticeable and it probably wont be until I am down a good 30-50 pounds I'd say but I am still proud and still going to keep it up. I have just been watching my portions of everything I eat as well as eating more fresh foods. Now that we are all done moving and the weather is improving(except for the stupid rain today) I am hoping to go for more walks with little bean as well as head back to the gym! I have found since starting on a vitamin B complex that I have much more energy so that helps immensely.

On Wednesday Dean and I got to go on a date to Chris Cornell, one of thee best concerts I have ever been to. It was his acoustic tour and it was so relaxing and mellow but yet so energetic! Zephran however woke up and freaked out for a bit I guess because we were not here when he woke up to eat. He is definitely a Mommy and Daddy suck! I definitely feel like Dean and I need to have more dates though or do more things together even if we have baby with us, I feel like our relationship when my PPD was bad was taking a hit and now that I am feeling better I feel like our relationship has definitely improved, relationships are not easy, they take work, but that work is worth it!

Not much else is new other than that however and baby bean is waking up from his nap so until next time!

0 Above the clouds

Well the last post was quite depressing if I do say so myself. I am feeling much better however so this post will be much more positive! I realized that I was in a rut which is the first step to fixing things. My PPD is slowly getting better and I realized I cannot let it hold me back and even if I feel like curling up in a hole I cannot, I need to get up and get shit done and motivate myself. I started taking a b complex vitamin and I've noticed a bit of improvement in energy levels and mood. I also seen my doctor today and we discussed my meds and how they were working for me. A few months ago I had talked about switching antidepressants to cipralex, well it does work however one thing I noticed is a HUGE drop in motivation and energy, as well as mood swings or just pure bitchiness and withdrawing from social interaction. My doctor informed me that coming off wellbutrin which is a mood stabilizer and going onto cipralex which is not a mood stabilizer will do that, needless to say we are starting the wellbutrin again at a low dose to stabilize my moods and see how that goes. Some people are very against medications however I am not. I know for me they do work and that herbs and vitamins don't fix my depression, it sucks but my mental health plays a huge role in my physical health as well as my day relationships.

I am also being very conscious of what I have been eating and how much as well and my weight is no longer going up but going down. It is going down slowly which is okay with me, I know that it wont happen fast and that with pumping my body will hold onto some weight in order to make sure my milk supply stays good. Its finally nice out so walking everyday is definitely going to be a goal of mine for this summer.

We are almost all packed and are all ready to move, its exciting yet kinda makes me nervous that we will have a house and more space and more bills in a sense. Its going to be awesome though to have a yard and space and I'm excited to have a garden.

All in all things are looking up, I am positive and I am going to do my best to make my life awesome. I didn't realize how much my issues affected my relationship with Dean and how shitty I was making him feel. I never want to jeopardize my relationship with him when I can better myself and our relationship instead! I love my family more than anything and I would do anything for them. Anywho its pumping time and then I am gonna bake some muffins! Until next time!

0 Rut

I'm in a rut. I've been in one for awhile, and it seems to get deeper yet sometimes its shallow. How do I even explain how I feel? I don't even know where to begin, the only thing I seem sure of anymore is that I love my son more than anything and I always want to do whats best for him. I am miserable most of the time, I have no motivation to do anything, My self esteem is little to nothing and most days I barely find the gumption to get out of bed. All of this, I blame on PPD. I had okay days here and there, more like brief moments. It has taken a huge toll on my relationship with Dean. I feel horrible for him having to deal with me. I also don't know how to get out of this rut, I feel alone, very alone except for my online forums of moms who keep me sane because they understand what its like to feel like this, they know. They don't judge me for feeling the way I do, they support me and cheer me on in my journey of motherhood, they tell me I'm doing an awesome job and always know what to say especially when I need to hear it most. With them I don't feel so alone. How do I explain PPD to someone who has never experienced it? I wish there was a button, one I could push to make everything better, but there isn't. I am slowly working on myself, trying to dig myself out of this rut. I have packed up pretty much everything that can be packed in the house for when we move next week. I've been baking more, something I love to do. And something I'm really proud of is I've lost 7 pounds, its been slow coming off but I don't want it to fall off nor will it with breastfeeding either. I try to give myself credit for being a good mom, I try my best even though I feel a lot of the time my best isn't good enough. I have wanted to write for a long time about this. About how I feel, and to tell you the truth this isn't even all of it. I am ashamed for what I am right now, even though I know this is not a forever feeling, that it doesn't just change overnight. I don't know how to ask for help always because I am ashamed, I feel like I am too proud sometimes, that I feel I can just cover everything up and plaster a smile on my face. The thing is though, I cant keep doing it because it is a detriment to my health, its not helping and I need to reach out for help instead of hiding inside. This may have seemed all over the place, which is okay because its made me feel a lot better in a sense. I know things will get better, it just takes time. Until next time.

1 Frustration

Its been just over 6 months. 6 months that have been so happy, overwhelming, tiring, a huge whirlwind of emotions. I have had ups and downs of frustration though. It is so hard some days to continue pumping. I will never give up because I know what I am doing benefits Zephran to the full extent but sometimes I just want to stop so I don't have to worry about making enough milk, about each oz that I pump. I don't know how to explain the frustration I have with pumping when I do have it but it drives me insane sometimes. I have been renting a pump for the past month ish because my pump in style crapped out. Dean found me a pump in style on facebook so I bought it for the cheap price of $50 (considering they go for $350), well the suction just isn't working for me, it doesn't seem to suction properly without me pressing the shield against my boob in an uncomfortable way. The pump also is louder than loud which drives me insane, I have this thing where I cannot hear the pump when pumping because it distracts me and annoys the shit outta me, doesn't make sense I know but that's just how it is. The rented pump isn't loud at all and it works wonders, I think I will probably end up just sticking with the Symphony and sell the other pump since it does work it just doesn't work for me if that makes sense? I wish I wasn't so sensitive to sounds. I am very proud of myself though for making it this far in exclusively pumping. I pump 3 times a day now which isn't a lot at all considering Zephran is still only on breastmilk. I used to pump 6-8 times a day which took up all my time and energy. It still does take a lot of energy up and I get paranoid when I can't plan when I'm going to pump next and so on. I don't think many people understand what its like to pump, but its something I have chosen to do and will continue to do because I know how good it is for him. Everything I do, I do for him and for our family. Even though its such a frustrating thing at times, it is the most rewarding thing ever!

3 One foot in the door

I am very excited to say that I have officially registered for my Doula training to receive my certification! It is a 3 days course in Calgary in May and I decided to take it through DONA International as the lady who is teaching CAPPA is unsure and does not know when she will know if she can continue teaching or not and I do not want to miss out on taking the training in May. I am however planning to complete the Labour doula training through DONA and then possibly taking my post partum doula training Distance wise through CAPPA as well as possibly attending some waterbirth seminars in the future and some breastfeeding classes too. I went and purchased my first book that I need to read prior to attending the training, the rest I plan to get in eBook form however I need to return my Kobo and get the Kindle since I can get all of the books through the Kindle and not the Kobo, kind of a piss off but none the less worth it! I am glad I get to choose which ones I want to read type thing. The one I have to read prior is Pregnancy, Childbirth and the Newborn by Penny Simkin, definitely one I am interested in. I plan on reading Ina May's guide to childbirth as well as The nursing mothers companion, there are a few others I have to read as well and I am definitely looking forward to it! I have to attend 3 births and be evaluated and I may already have someone to fill one of those spots! I cannot wait to support women and their families and help educate them on pregnancy, childbirth and parenting!!! I am so glad I decided to take this step now and get one foot in the door to help in my eventual goal of becoming a midwife!

0 Growing Up

I cannot believe that Zephran is now 6 months old. Time has gone way to fast and my once little preemie is now over 26 inches long and 18 pounds, He is 3 times his birth weight! It seems like just yesterday he was born. He is rolling over all over the place and loves to stand while you hold his hands. He is starting to sit unassisted for longer periods of time but still flails to the sides and backwards. His new thing is playing with his feet and toes. He also loves to chew on his hands and our fingers. I definitely think he will be getting a tooth soon, upper not lower though. We have been using Camilia drops, a natural teething remedy which is working wonders as well as his amber teething necklace which helps as well. He is not on solids yet and we still plan to do baby led weaning but he has no interest in food. I was kinda surprised when we were in Calgary and the hematology doctor told me we should start giving Zephran rice cereal because it's iron fortified, kinda made me want to tell him he was dumb because Zephrans iron levels are fine and he gets iron from me and that cereals aren't all they are cracked up to be. I am planning on giving Zephran either a banana or a sweet potato for his first food once he is ready. I don't really know when that will be but I think it will still be quite a bit, maybe when he is 8 or 9 months old. If breastmilk is enough for him that is just fine with me and I will continue pumping until he is done!

We got back from Calgary on Tuesday as we had to see hematology because my mom has a bleeding disorder and Zephran had to be checked prior to his cleft repair surgery. His test results were all normal and I was really not worried anyways as he has shown no signs of a bleeding disorder. It was sad however to be in that area of the children's hospital, Hematology is linked up with Oncology and it gave me a very uneasy feeling of being around a bunch of children with cancer, very sad. I never wanted to have to be in that kind of area let alone have to take our child to a Children's hospital. We go back in April to see the surgeon and to get the final surgery date which is in September. I am nervous for that even though it is farther away. I am just scared to leave him in an OR and have to wait. I know he will do fine but it still bothers me.

The trip was very eventful however to say the least. We got there and did some shopping and had dinner with Tamara. At said dinner, Zephran had been a bit cranky so I was trying to feed him again and he had just taken his bottle and the server dropped 2 plates right by our table and Zephran freaked right out and screamed his face off for a good 10 minutes. She felt horrible about making him cry though lol. The next day we went shopping at cross iron mills, definitely was awesome and we got some pretty sweet things including a stuffed puppy for baby from build a bear and some awesome outfits from the carters osh kosh store, that place is fricken amazing! I also got myself a Kobo eReader, that is also amazing, I love it! After we were done at the mall we had to take the car to get looked at because while we were driving we noticed it was making a very loud sound. Turns out the wheel bearings were shot, both of them and it had to be fixed before coming back home, that ended up costing $400 which was a huge kick in the teeth considering rent is due right away and we are moving in a month. The next day when I got up to pump the valve on my pump was broken so i couldn't pump until 3pm that day, let me tell you when you ha vent pumped for over 20 hours your boobs feel like they are going to explode evvvverywhere. Needless to say it was a long journey but an awesome one since we got to spend time with our awesome family as well!

We had originally planned to go up to Calgary on the Monday and come back on Wednesday and go to the zoo as well but plans changed at the last minute as my aunt passed away. This has been a daily battle for me as I was close with her. I still cannot believe she is gone, even though it was not sudden but still it really saddens me. At the beginning of this year she had been sick and throwing up as well as her emphysema had been bad so she was put in the hospital. She did go home for a brief period but was then re-admitted and during her second stint int he hospital she fell and broke her hip on the way to the bathroom. She had a complete hip replacement after a few days because it took that long to stabilize her enough. After her surgery she ended up having a heart attack as well and slowly just declined from there, she was getting up and walking however with physio but her lungs were filling with fluid from pneumonia. It was sad and not fair. I seen her a few days before she died and when I walked in my Grandma asked her who I was and she said "That's my little one". I am sad I didn't get to see her to say goodbye but I am glad that my last memory of her is that and her playing with Zephrans toes. I will miss her ever so much. We are going to her place tomorrow to look through stuff and decide what we would like to have, I am glad that her memory will live on through her things as well. Anyways until next time.

1 Decisions

As parents we have to make many decisions. These start even before our children arrive. I feel that before you have kids you and your partner should be on the same page about how you want to raise your children or at least somewhat on the same page. I mean this in the sense of immunizations, co-sleeping, food choices, discipline and so on. Dean and I are mostly on the same page, we do however conflict a bit on immunizations as I am pretty much against them except for the meningococcal C conjugate and if Zephran hasn't had chicken pox by the time he is 12 or 13 he will be vaccinated for that. My reasoning behind not wanting to vax is NO not because I think they cause autism, I am not that much of a moron, but because the risks and chances and statistics of vaccine injury GREATLY outweigh the benefits of the vaccine itself. Dean however has not done as much reading on this as I have so I am trying to get him to read up more just so he understands where I am coming from. So far Zephran is not vaccinated and when he does get the meningococcal C conjugate it will be right before he starts school.

We do not co-sleep though Zephran was in a bassinet in our room up until he was 4 months old. I would like to co-sleep but on the other hand I am wayyy to scared I would roll over on him or I wouldn't get to sleep because I would always be checking on him. I do like the idea of co-sleeping if we were directly breastfeeding however so maybe for our next baby!

We also believe in extended rear facing, this means that just because when Zephran is a year and over 20lbs he will be staying rear facing for as long as possible. Health Canada's website says to actually keep them rear facing for as long as possible, even though the law is that you can switch them forward facing. Either way he will stay rear facing for as long as a car seat allows him to be! There is more for him to look out the back window out anyways lol.

Since Zephran is getting to be around the age that solids are introduced into the diet I thought I would touch on that. We have decided to do baby led weaning which I have mentioned in previous posts. This means that we will not be doing puree's but instead will be teaching Zephran to chew before swallowing instead of just swallowing. However we will not be starting this until his tongue thrust reflex is gone, till he can sit by himself, shows interest in food and also until breastmilk is not sustaining him anymore. We will not just be starting because oh geez he is 6 months old. For example you give the baby half a banana with a bit of the top unpeeled so that they can grab it and put it in their mouths themselves. Some people find this to be a bit scary because of the choking factor, however you are sitting right there watching what they are doing making sure they do not shove the whole banana in their mouths. Gagging is completely normal however, its part of starting solids whether they are whole or pureed. I think we will probably start with steamed carrots or banana's and go from their, I would like to also try avocados as they are such a good source of fat! I do not plan on giving Zephran any sugar or crap either, whether family thinks its cute or its his first birthday its not gonna happen, that is just me though. Kids can have treats that don't have to be full of shit haha

Another decision we made was one made before Zephran was born. We decided against circumcision. The reasoning behind this is because it is completely unecessary. I didn't feel like causing my child unecessary pain. I think the worst reason for getting it done that I have heard from many women is that it looks nicer. I was unaware that your opinion of your sons penis should cause you to make that decision. I believe that when he grows up if he wants it done then he can make that decision. Sure I think it looks nicer to but a penis is a penis is a penis lol. The same goes if we had a girl, I would never pierce her ears until she was old enough to know what that meant as well as be responsible enough to take care of them and clean them.

On discipline, well I don't believe in hitting a child. spanking for me is a no go. Violence is never the answer and your child should NEVER be scared of you. We will not be spanking or yelling at Zephran for discipline because there are many other positive methods to use.

On another note we are all doing awesome. Zephran is growing up sooo fast, he is probably around 18-20lbs now and over 2 feet long. He is rolling over a ton and giggling lots as well as he will sit by himself for short periods. I am still pumping for him and he has still not had any formula which I am very proud of! We go to Calgary Children's hospital at the end of this month to see hematology because my mom has a bleeding disorder and he needs to be checked prior to his cleft palate repair surgery in September. I am not looking forward to the bloodwork we have to have done next week for his appt on the 29th. I am however excited to go to the Calgary zoo and to build a bear and just to be out of Medicine Hat for a few days. We also see the cleft palate team again in April as well. Lots of trips coming up! We are hoping to go camping this summer too, I want to tent but I think we will be staying in a cabin or something to that effect. i was also thinking of maybe going to the mountains for a few days as I haven't been to the mountains in forever. Who knows! Anyways until next time!

0 I think i'm better than you!

My friend Sara posted this on her blog, it stole the words right out of my mouth, she is pure awesomesauce so here it is!


I THINK I'M BETTER THAN YOU

"No, actually I don't, but if that's what you want to think, because it makes it easier for you dismiss my opinions, please, by all means...

I don't think doctors know everything. I don't think they're omnipotent gods. They are people, just like you and me. They make mistakes. They take shortcuts. They have bad days. They have momentary lapses in judgement. They even sometimes LIE. Or do things they shouldn't because it's easier for THEM. Not all, not most, maybe not even many. But it does happen.

Doctors fill a very important role in society. If I break my arm I want someone trained to cast it. If I get in an accident and my insides start spilling to the outside, I want someone trained to put them back in the proper place and stitch me up. If I scratch my knee, am I am going to get a surgeon to put on a band-aid? No. If I have a headache, am I going to go to a doctor for a lobotomy? No.

So if I plan on having a NORMAL birth with a NORMAL baby, why would I go to someone who doesn't have experience with that? I bet if you legitimately asked an OB how many babies "they delivered" where they just sat back, watched what happened, and didn't intervene, they wouldn't be many, if any at all.

Despite what I believe is sound logic, I am a quack, an idiot (and at the same time, also a knowitall - funny how that works), and worse, A BAD MOTHER, or that I'm going to KILL my babies by thinking this way.

My oh my, where would the human race be without such a superior obstetrical practice that's only been in existance around a hundred years? EXTINCT"

0 Sundays

I love Sundays. It reminds me of family and spending time with the people you love most. Walking around the mall today with baby strapped to my chest and holding hands with Dean, it made me so happy, I look at my life and sure there are some things I'd like to change like my motivation to get certain things done but then I think about my life and how I have a wonderful fiance who takes good care of me and our son, we have a baby who is happy and healthy and striving and I am in good health and so is Dean. We have it good, better than a lot of people and I am ever so grateful for my little family!

I looked into the Doula certification and am hoping to take it in may through CAPPA, I contacted the lady who is running it and she may not be teaching it, if that is the case I may take it through DONA instead or through birthing from within, however if I take it from birthing from within then we have to go to Edmonton and that is a bit more of a hassle than Calgary as we have family in Calgary and have no where to stay in Edmonton for the few days we'd be there. I am sooo excited to take the course and to be on my way to assisting women in their births and helping them achieve their ideal birth. I know how important it is to have the support system and to be an educated parent to be, to know what my options are and to know what is and isn't true. Unfortunately a lot of parents to be are not educated and go in and listen to everything the doctors and nurses say, however a lot of what they say is not the truth and they use their wonderful scare tactics of "if you don't do this your baby will die and its all your fault." I was very glad I was educated. OF course sometimes even when you are educated, things don't always go as planned, this was my case in a lot of ways but I still stuck to my guns and made my decisions with a lot of thought. Anyways enough rambling, I am just excited and so very passionate about birthing and parenting in the most natural sense and helping mothers and their families.

We are taking Zephran swimming tomorrow for the first time, quite excited for this! We got little blue shark swimming trunks for him, seriously they are so cute! I hope he likes swimming, I think he will as he loves bath time. I am also going to start getting up earlier as I am starting to get used to it already since baby has been getting up at around 7 in the morning, this will give me time to go to the gym everyday and hopefully start to lose weight and tone up! I know I will never be a size 2 and maybe never even a size 10 but I want to lose some weight and just be healthier! I am aiming to go for a walk everyday once it is nice out, especially since we have a park about about a 15 minute walk from here that I know baby will enjoy!

Well I seem to be out of things to say for now so I am off to have a nice hot bath and read for a bit, until next time!

0 Hard

I have a question, one question and that is it. Why in the hell does it have to be so hard to lose weight? Oh and also why do I have to feel hungry all the time just because I am producing milk? Okay I lied that was two questions. I need motivation, I need energy, and I DO NOT know where to get it from, I get on the scale everyday and I watch the number go up then down then back up and it climbs higher and the panic inside of me gets worse and then I eat fabulous all day and plan to go exercise and those plans get crushed and then I eat my feelings. I eat because I am hungry, I eat because I want to make sure I produce enough milk, I eat from boredom, from pure laziness, from stress and emotions. I wish I didn't have to worry about producing milk because this would be a hell of a lot easier to do without having to make sure I am eating enough to produce enough and so on. I wish I was able to get up at 7 in the morning and stay up and not feel exhausted. I need to just do it. I need to stop saying I will and just do. Its hard though. You think about the time it took to put the weight on and well it takes a lot longer to lose it. I am always thinking well tomorrow is a new day and I can restart tomorrow so lets just continue to eat like crap today since I will be back on plan tomorrow and I should not live like that because everything should be in moderation, not gorging yourself. The thing is I never feel overfull. I wish I could be on a show like the biggest loser, where they have people run your ass off 6 hours a day and you eat like a rabbit haha, unhealthy sure, but it fricken works. I just need to find my motivation, I know its around here somewhere, I know I can be healthy, I know I can do this, I just need to search within my self and hold on tight with everything I have to the motivation. Until next time.

1 Rambling

I figured since Zephran is napping I will do an update since I haven't in awhile! We are all doing good, I am doing so much better PPD wise, I do have my bad days but they are coming few and far between. My only issue now is getting over the tiredness, it seems I have been exhausted since starting the new antidepressants but I am hoping that going back to the gym and getting to bed earlier will help. I went to the gym last week, ha vent been back since, just need to manage my time better but I will be going again on Monday and then working out with Dean at the Legion before weigh in on Tuesdays as I have also went back to Weight Watchers. I am having a harder time following that as I have been going on Deliveries with Dean in the evenings when he is working which poses a risk of me smelling all of the food he is delivering and us getting fast food, not good. I think what I should do is eat at home and then go with him around 7 or 8 at night and that way I wont be tempted to eat a bunch of fast food. I really want to lose 50lbs by August, that's around 10lbs a month which isn't to much considering I am hoping to hit the gym for an hour at least each day or at least 3 times a week, Plus once it's nice enough out we are going to go for walks as well. I really need to practice some back carries before we go to Calgary cuz we are going to be going to the zoo and we wont have room for the stroller and our suitcase.

Zephran is growing up soooo fast. I miss my little bean and I cannot believe he is going to be 5 months old, next thing you know he'll be 14 and telling me he hates me haha. He has begun rolling him self around the living room floor now which means we will have to keep things higher so he doesn't pull cords or movies of of anything! Soon enough he will be crawling! He loves his exersaucer and he also likes to stand up while holding your hands. We see his doctor on Wednesday so we will see how big he is then! He is wearing some 3 month clothes but mostly 6 month and up clothes now. He sleeps through the night though he has been waking up a few more times in between. I am pretty sure he will be cutting teeth soon as he is verrrrry drooly and likes to chew more on my finger or his hand when he is cranky, I have definitely noticed a difference when he has his amber teething necklace on however, he is much less cranky when he is wearing it!

It has been awesome having Dean home. He is the biggest help ever and has made my PPD so much better, I have been able to have some me time as well as get more sleep, our house is cleaner and we are happy! Zephran is happy about it too! He loves his daddy and they have so much fun together, definitely a bonus. I will never take him for granted that's for sure. I miss him at night though as I am not used to him being gone then, but it is nice to have the option to go with him and when baby is fussy it definitely helps to put him in his car seat and go for a drive, it's an instant sleep aid for him! We also have to start planning out wedding soon since it is next year, we are also planning a vacation for this summer, I am thinking BC maybe, a nice trip in the mountains!

I am still pumping milk for Zephran, I have actually had to start freezing some every now and then, definitely makes me happy and takes a load off to be producing enough for baby. I pump 3 times a day and am getting around 35oz plus a day, Zephran eats around 30-35 a day so it works out good. I am planning pumping until he is 8-10 months old and with doing baby led weaning he will also get some solids around 8 months and once he is eating enough solids and has cut down on milk intake I will probably cut back pumping and start using my frozen supply!

We are also looking into moving to Lethbridge within the next year or so as I want to attend the LPN program at Lethbridge college and I am hoping to take my Doula certification before then, even if I take my Doula training and can get on as a Doula in Medicine Hat we may end up staying! Anyways I feel like I am rambling all over the place so until next time!

0 Goals for 2011

Here is a list of some of my goals for the year:
- Pump until baby is at least 8 months old, hopefully make it a year
- Be the best mom I can be.
- Work up to exercising an hour a day or at least 30 minutes a day
- Become a wrapping pro
- Go for a walk daily once it's nice outside
-Lose 50lbs by August, 80 by the end of the year.
-Get my Doula certification

That's my list so far, I imagine it will grow on a daily basis.

0 Improvement

Since starting the new antidepressants I have noticed an improvement in myself, I am feeling happier with less negative thoughts as well as less horrible dreams. My insomnia is getting much better and I am able to fall asleep easier. However, I am noticing that I am needing naps now during the day, I chalk it up to catching up on all the sleep I had missed from never being able to sleep before 2 or 3 in the morning. My milk supply is doing awesome as well and I have cut back to pumping 3 times a day as baby is more demanding and there just isn't enough time to pump when he wants to play! I am still getting around 35-38oz a day which is what he eats approximately, I am hoping to pump until he is around 8-10 months old or longer if I can. I want him on breastmilk for over a year at least and then I plan on switching to goats milk as its closest to human milk.

Zephran is growing up so fast, changing every day! He smiles and laughs and coo's and can roll from tummy to back and is trying very hard every day to roll from back to tummy. He likes to play with his toys and likes trying to stand as well. He is sleeping in his crib now which was sad for me as I didn't want him to but he outgrew the bassinet and he seems to actually sleep better in his crib than anywhere else. I have started to get a better bedtime routine for his as well with feeding and then reading him a story or two and rocking him in our rocker in his room and then turning his aquarium on and letting him fall asleep. He is in 6 month sleepers already! He definitely doesn't look or act like a premie, I just can't believe he is going to be 5 months already!

I have decided to withdraw from all but one class as its been to much and I just need to focus on getting myself back to healthy and being the best mom I can be and fiance as well. I don't want to miss out on Zephrans milestones or be to busy to do things with him and to enjoy his growing up. I plan on taking my LPN probably in Lethbridge which means we will be moving however that will probably be next year and in the meantime within this year I plan on taking my Doula training. My end goal is to work Labour and Delivery and be a doula kinda hand in hand type thing. The midwifery program will not be available in Calgary for awhile and until then I want to get somewhere so why not start with my LPN and Doula so I have sort of backup. I decided against RN as it just to long of a program and my heart isn't in it.

Zephran has another appt in Calgary in March with a hematologist to make sure he does not have any bleeding disorders like my mom, it sucks that we have to make another trip up there but I am hoping to take him to the zoo while we are there, I think it'll be a good trip as well as Dean is off on parental leaving starting Saturday until September. We are hoping to start going to the gym as well next week. I am looking forward to getting healthy and spending time with my family and the people who mean the most to me. Anyways back to Zephran and his appts. He had to have blood work the other day and it was horrible, he did so good but I was terrified, I cant stand seeing him cry and being pain, it is a horrible feeling as a mother to watch your child be in pain. I am scared for when he has his surgery at the end of the year. I know he will be okay though.

There hasn't been any more drama really in my life thank god, even though I do keep posting links, however they are educational I find. I believe in the things I post and that's what matters. I definitely need to do some more reading on baby led weaning as I want to do that with Zephran, I am thinking we will start with steamed veggies and go from there. I hope he likes it, its all about when he is ready and not just because he will be such and such of age. I definitely can't imagine giving him solids right now that's for sure! He is growing up so fast though, I miss my little bean!

I am hoping to take him swimming soon as well as he really likes the water. I'm hoping he'll be a water baby! I cannot wait for the weather to smarten up either so we can go for walks and I can strap him to my back. I havent babyworn much but then again when we don't go anywhere it kind of hard plus we have to drive everywhere so he has to be in his car seat and I find with a 5 meter wrap its kinda hard to wrap him when we get to the place say like the mall. Once we can go for walks I will be babywearing lots though, and I'm going to start practicing back wraps soon too, just need Dean to spot me as I am paranoid of dropping the baby even if I'm sitting on the edge of the bed. Anyways its time to feed baby so I am off! Until next time.

0 A Night(Morning) Cap

Its 2:00 AM. I cannot for the life of me sleep. My brain will not shut off and I have tried deep breathing, thinking of calming thoughts, counting sheep, shall we keep going on? I am exhausted but sleep completely eludes me. I keep thinking about what I want to do. This whole PPD has really put a damper on things. Before having Zephran I knew what I wanted to do in life, I was dead set on being a nurse. Well after going through pregnancy and labour and our issues with all of it and everything in between and even after I really want to educate women on their choices and the natural aspect of pregnancy, labour and parenting. Unfortunately the midwifery program is not even open in Calgary yet and is not going to be easy to get into. I can take my Doula training however and am definitely interested in it. I am also thinking that maybe I could be a Doula, and also take my LPN and kinda mash those two together and still work on Labour and Delivery maybe? The only shitty part is the LPN is only offered in Brooks and I cannot find where you can take it online cuz I doubt that is even possible and well I am not driving back and forth so unless we moved somewhere where it is offered this is not possible. The RN program is intense and I have realised it just isn't for me, I don't even know how I will or if I will be able to do the LPN part of maternity because of my conflicting opinions with what they teach and what I know to be true. I also am really needing to get back on the health band wagon and get eating healthy as well as start exercising. I am thinking I am going to go back to the gym at least twice a week, hopefully 3 times even for an hour since Dean will be home. I think it will be good for me. I am also trying to figure out what to do about my Athabasca courses. I bit off more than I can chew and I know I will not be able to finish it considering we are pretty much two month down and I haven't really accomplished anything, I may stick with one of the courses but I don't know yet as my heart just isn't in it unfortunately. I really in all honesty just want to take Zephran's first year to focus on him and myself and to be the best mom and person I can be. I wish all the answers would come to me, on a silver platter, with a side of a million dollars. One can wish right?

0 Toxicity

Oh people, how I dislike many of them and their shenanigans. Apparently facebook is the new bible and just because I post something automatically means I "know everything". Hmm the things I post about, I do my research on, I form my opinion on it and most of it if not all of it is based on fact so I guess yes I do know what I'm talking about. Just because I am 21, and a mother of one and a new mom at that, does not mean I am an uneducated bimbo on the subject. I'd like to say actually that I am more educated about the topic of natural birth and parenting than a lot of older women out there, not all, trust me I am low down still on the food chain but none the less educated, and learning more and more as days go on and will continue to learn until I am old and wrinkly. I make it a point to be educated, to read up on parenting issues, to weigh the pro's and cons and to not just take what a doctor or "higher up" says is right. Just because you went to school for 7 years, doesn't mean you know what is best for my child. People take me posting links on my facebook as me attacking them or their parenting choices, I think a lot of people feel guilt because maybe they read it and realize that what they chose wasn't the best decision, people should not do this because I am not saying your choices are wrong, unless of course you are putting your child's life in immediate danger, ie. driving around with a baby on your lab in a car going 100km an hour. I am not perfect, far from it, I struggle everyday to make the best decisions for me and my son and my family. I will always try my best to educate people by posting links because I know that people did the same when I was pregnant, how do you think I learnt so much? I will also be supportive. I have supported people who chose not to breastfeed by offering them my free formula samples, I have encouraged women to keep going when they wanted to give up breastfeeding and I also have urged women to maybe do some reading before making a final decision about certain things as well. This does not make me a horrible person or a know it all. I am trying to weed out the toxicity in my life, if you do not agree with me or my opinions that is fine because I am not shoving them down your throat or forcing you to believe what I believe. If you cant accept that I am allowed to form an opinion and be an educated parent then that's really to bad and if you feel the need to remove me from your life then that's okay too. I just hope you don't feel the need to go tattle to my mom because you feel offended by my links. Others opinions do not hurt me because I know I am doing what is best for me and my family and my child!

0 A New Me

Since having Zephran I have gained weight. This disgusts me as I DO NOT want to gain anymore and I had went down but my weight went right back up. I had started weight watchers and then fell off that wagon, more like jumped. There is no one to blame for this but me unfortunately and the first step is to go back to weight watchers tomorrow for weigh in even knowing that I have went up. The first step is to admit the problem, the second is to do something about it. I wish losing weight was easy, I wish that the weight would fall off like it does for other women who breastfeeding but nothing comes easily. I am hoping that once Dean is done work in 2 weeks that I can get a bunch of schoolwork done and then start going back to the gym a couples times a week for some me time and to get in shape. I think it would be easier to to lose the weight if I wasn't pumping for baby, of course feeding him is more important than losing the weight fast but either way I need to get back on the weight watchers band wagon, even though when I first started it wasn't working, I just need to try harder and I know it will pay off! I wish I could go on one of those kick your ass in shape weight loss shows, wouldn't that be fabulous haha oh one could only wish. I am going to give myself the best life I can and to do this I need to lose weight. I know I can do it and I will! Anyways I am off to watch house. Until next time.

0 Insomnia

Ahh insomnia, it has become a very close friend of mine since struggling with PPD. I do not enjoy our friendship at all. It is after midnight and I feel exhausted, yet I feel wide awake, like I could possibly run a marathon if I was actually in shape enough to do so. So I figure since I'm awake, why not blog to get thing off my mind.

I received news today, very heartbreaking news. My aunt Erna, well technically great aunt but none the less someone who I love dearly and have spent much time with since she moved to this city, was back in the hospital. She has had quite a few health problems lately from joint pain and emphysema to stomach issues. She was in the hospital a few weeks ago and was doing quite well while there and was eating and keeping it down and seemed to be in good spirits, after getting out she went to stay with my Grandma and wasn't doing all to well. Her son and daughter were down to talk about a care facility which I also believe she thought was a good idea because she hates being alone. Well she ended up back in hospital last night from throwing up and not feeling to good with new medications if I'm correct. In the middle of the night she got up to go to the washroom and did not call a nurse and ended up falling and breaking her hip. This news is devastating as statistics are highly against her health, they also were checking this evening for a broken wrist. Unfortunately they cannot fix anything until they stabilize her sodium levels as they are low. If and when they do the surgery to repair her hip it can go one of two ways: a) if the bone is to thin, they do a complete hip replacement which involves general anesthetic or b) if the bone is thick enough they will put in a plate and screws and pins and such and will give her a spinal, the thought of her being awake for that is enough to make me vomit however general anesthetic is detrimental to her health at her age. It's so sad though. My Grandma has cared for her and spent so much time with her and they have grown very close since she moved here, I worry so much for my Grandmas health because of the stress she is under. It's just not a nice situation to deal with and its depressing. I hope it all works out in the end.

On a happier note we had a good time at our friends house this evening and I'm up to pumping 32oz today, its a complete relief to not have to unfreeze milk and worry all the time about where his next feed will come from.

I think that once or twice a week I am going to choose a topic to write about, and somewhat debate my reasoning's for believing in said topic. These will most likely be things I have faced personally or that pertain to pregnancy/labour/parenting. I can see it being slightly controversial but I think it may educate some people as well as be a good learning experience for myself in the sense of learning how to write what I believe and not be to judgy or offensive! Anyways I should really try and sleep since milk monster will be waking up early! Until next time.

0 Looking Up and moving forward

Today is a new day! I am feeling better and things are looking up. I feel more positive and less stressed out. More a feeling of everything is definitely going to work itself out. I am very proud of myself and how my milk production is doing, I'm pumping over 30oz a day, yesterday I was at 31 and this eases my mind and stress because I know I'm producing enough to feed baby! Baby is doing amazing as well, he's giggling more and developing each day, I am such a proud mama.

Today is superbowl so we are heading to some friends houses to watch the game and eat some wings and just kick back and relax, definitely looking forward to that! My massage yesterday was amazing, something I really needed and the lady who gave me my massage is a pretty phenomenal women. She told me I'd be a fantastic midwife and also said she was very interested in going that route herself as she had attended 52 births. She has traveled all over the world including Morocco and Peru and even climbed Machu Pichu, very cool stuff if you ask me. I definitely am hoping to go back to her at some point a she helped me feel a lot of relief.

The drama from yesterday has cooled down, it really didn't phase me, just made me laugh more or less. It's true though that the people who decide to personally attack you about it are those who are just guilty, quite ridiculous actually but no skin off my back as those types of people are not worth my time. I think it doesn't bother me because I know what I am doing is right and best for our child. Them attacking me pretty much just validates this in my minds!

Anyways I am off for the day, I may pot later if anything interesting transpires! Until next time.

1 Clean Sweep

I have a lot to say, so this may be long.

I have come to the realization that no one likes to hear that they are doing something wrong, especially when it comes to raising their children. Yesterdays post caused A LOT of drama and when I mean a lot I mean a lot. It involved me getting BOMBARDED with texts from an old friend, harassing me in a sense and telling me I was a hypocrite. How I am a hypocrite I have no idea as I practice what I preach and links I post to facebook. I do my research and my info DOES NOT come from a wiki site, it comes from reputable resources. I am very tired of hearing "Well I did this and that and my child is fine" That's nice, people smoke crack and shoot heroin and their children can end up fine as well, does that mean you should do it? No. Also believing everything a doctor tells you is crap. Doctors are not always right just because they went to school for 7 or longer years. How did the world ever survive without a doctor telling you everything you need to know? People take thing way to personally, like I am judging them because they did this or that, I really could care less what you do, I am not here to judge I am here and posting things because I follow them and because I am trying to educate people as well. I plan on training to be a Doula and then Midwife, when I post these things then will you continue to take it as me judging you? You shouldn't because I know what I am doing is best for my child, not yours. I have people on my facebook who didn't breastfeed, who feed their kids steak at like 5 months, you don't see me bombarding them with info or telling them they are wrong. I am stating FACTS, Breastfeeding is best, whether or not you choose to do it is your choice, feeding solids before 6 months CAN have detrimental effects, this is also a FACT, does it mean it will for surely happen, no but that is not the point, there are many cases of if you do this, this could happen, it doesn't mean it will but still. If you don't like what I post on here or on my facebook then don't say anything and if you do then so be it but I will state my opinion right back, which will be backed up with fact, no one has given me facts showing shoving food in your under 6 month old mouth is beneficial. Also yes I am choosing to delay/not vaccinate, did you know that mot of the vaccinations don't guarantee that your child won't get the illness, did you know that most of those diseases are soooooo rare. For example, Tetanus, well your going to get a shot if you step on a rusty nail anyways. I was vaccinated, still got mumps, still got chicken pox and still got measles and whooping cough. Wow what good those vaccinations did. Since people are giving me a lot of flack and telling me I'm spewing crazy baby mama shit I decided to remove people from facebook as well as block phone numbers. Talking shit behind my back also does not fly with me so bye bye negativity and uneducated people, have a nice life! I always found it funny when people who had already had kids were asking me, a first time mom for advice. I feel better though removing these people from my life, they don't need to be there, they are not benefiting me in any way shape or form. Some mean things were said, I'm definitely not proud of that but being told I'm jealous because I can't breastfeed, and that I'm harming my son by taking antidepressants and not vaccinating and also that I mooch off my fiance is definitely worth a fight back. I don't directly breastfeed but he still gets the liquid gold and he also still tries to breastfeed, my antidepressants do not harm him either and I'm sorry but the alternative to them is not taking them and risking my sanity and the well being of myself and my child. Vaccinating, well you read what I wrote above and that I mooch off Dean is bullshit. I guess every mom that stays home must mooch off her husband then. We as a couple decided to have a baby, he wasn't an oops, it was a decision and we are doing just fine. People are so concerned with my life and what I do when all I care about is doing what is best for our child! He is mine and Deans main priority. If you don't agree with how I raise my son then good on ya because he isn't your child. I will always listen to opinions and there are always different circumstances for everything. If I lose friends which I already have then they were not good friends to begin with! I say C'est la vie!

In other exciting news, my Doula Michelle has asked me to guest post on her businesses blog! I am very excited to do this as I feel that my struggles will be able to help others and maybe give them some insight into what its like to be a first time mom to a premie!

I am off however to pump and then to have a nice relaxing massage!!

0 Side Effects and Controversy

Day 3 of new meds and they are not giving me an easy ride. The side effects are not nice, the headache and stomach cramps are the worst of it, mostly the headache, however my milk supply has increased. Before I was getting around 20oz a day and yesterday I was up to 25, so far today I've gotten 13oz so I'm hoping to get around 25 or more today if possible. I'd like to make around 30 oz or more a day if possible so I'm hopeful this will work. As for the anti-depressants, meh they aren't working as of yet but it takes quite awhile so we'll see.

In other news STOMP was fricken amazing, seriously entertainment at its best. I never could have imagined people could make sounds and beats with plastic bag and paper bags or brooms and garbage cans. Pure awesomeness. I however am starting to worry more about my mom. I am scared that her husband is not treating her nicely and I will not put up with it, serious you hurt my mom and I break your face, end of story. She deserves the world, especially for how she takes care of him and what she does for him. I also do not need the added stress of it either.

Dean is probably gonna be home during the days soon which is awesome, though I am a bit nervous cuz I don't want us to drive each other insane. With him home though I should be able to get my schooling done and maybe after I get that done I can start going to the gym! It'll be good to enjoy our son's first year together and to watch him grow and learn new things. Dean and I are going out tonight on a date. We don't get to have them very often anymore but I cherish them when we do.

I posted a link today about how breastfeeding stats have went up in the world with exclusively breastfeeding until 6 months at least and its started a bit of controversy as it usually does. People will choose what they want for their kids, even when world health organizations everywhere say that 6 months is when you should start solids and not until. People are always well i gave them this at this old and our parents are always saying well we did this with you and you survived, that's not the point. Crack heads smoke crack and have babies that are fine, does that mean we should smoke crack while pregnant? No. Delaying solids is very beneficial, babies stomachs are not meant to handle solids before then, that doesn't mean people who do feed there kids solids before then will have a sick child or that there child will be slow or anything but its 6 months for a reason, if anyone wants to read why its 6 months here is a link to some VERY good info:http://www.kellymom.com/nutrition/solids/delay-solids.html. Personally we won't be starting solids early, or even at 6 months, we plan on doing baby led weaning which if you want to read more about that here is a link:http://www.babyledweaning.com/ . We also wont be doing rice cereal or puree's as rice cereal has no nutritional value and with the baby led weaning it teaches baby to chew before swallow. Its very interesting actually. I believe so strongly in educating yourself when you are pregnant, on everything from labour and delivery, to being a parent. You don't go buy a new car before reading up on it do you, I know bad reference but still!

Anyways I am off to pump and feed a hungry little milk monster. Until next time!

0 A New Day

It's day two of new medication. Not a fun time. Normally I am not affected by medications, I usually never experience bad side effects but since Ive now started new antidepressants and the motillium to increase milk I feel like Ive been hit by a semi. Symptoms include: pounding headache, dry mouth and an upset stomach with cramps, OH JOYYYY! I stay positive though knowing this is helping me int he long run and I feel like the motillium is working because I got up and pumped 12 oz where as i was only getting 9 before so we are doing good so far. Antidepressants take awhile to kick in but for now I am doing okay, I have bad moments and good moments, I just need to keep my head up and I know I'll get through this!

Zephran is growing up so fast. I went through some of his clothes and I cannot believe that I am going to already have to bust out his storage bin of clothes and go through them all to decide what will fit him now. His smiles make my day, I could go on and on because I am a very proud mama and I love this little boy more than anything in this world! I have still been trying to put him to breast to see if he will breastfeed, its very hit and miss, sometimes he will try and others he will not. I still hold out hope that he will breastfeed after his cleft palate surgery, even if he doesn't that's okay because he will have still gotten my breast milk! My granny told me I should let him touch his bottle so he knows that's where milk come from but I don't like that idea, I want him to know that milk comes from his mama, not a bottle. Big pet peeve for me is babies holding their own bottles, definitely not gonna happen for us as that's my job as a mother, I think feel this way because Zephran doesn't breastfeed directly. Zephran has a developmental appt next week where they check his development, I'm a bit nervous for it, I shouldn't be because he is developing fine but I'm just a paranoid mom. I really hope they don't bring up vaccinations either because we've chosen to delay/not vaccinate. So far we haven't been bugged which is wonderful. He gets him immunities from me and well the additives in immunizations are crazy. We decided not to immunize because of the chance of a reaction to the immunization. No I don't think immunizations give you autism lol.

I am excited that I get to go out tonight with my mom! We are going to see STOMP which should be fantastic, nothing like a bunch of people beating on garbage cans haha. I am also very excited for my massage on Saturday. I don't like leaving Zephran, in fact it gives me a mini panic attack thinking about it. I do however need some me time, even if it just a bubble bath. I'm his mom, I don't think I should have to leave him even though people insist I should go out and take me time. Anyways milk monster is hungry so until next time!

0 So much to do!

Life as a mother is definitely a full time job, now add in pumping and a bad case of PPD along with being a full time student and any sane person would probably rip their hair out. I've definitely come close but I try my best to stay positive because I know that the PPD will eventually fade and I WILL get my schoolwork done in time so that I can take the whole summer off and enjoy it. Now on top of just my motherly duties I also feel like I should be cleaning and cooking and keeping things organized. I am having a VERY difficult time doing this, in fact my place in that area is pretty much non existent. I'm going to try my best this week to get some stuff done though, I'm hoping to maybe get some schoolwork done today even if its just a small assignment or some reading, anything is better than nothing.
My doctors appt went okay yesterday, I've had to start new antidepressants which sucks hardcore as I didn't want to have to take anything, it makes me feel defeated that I need these pills in order to get better but this way is much better than the alternative. I'm hoping the transition to this new medication is smooth as it can be quite tricky. I also had to start taking Motillium to increase my milk supply as my herbs are not cutting it and I am no longer producing enough for Zephran, I'm hoping it works as I want to pump until he is at least 8 months old if not longer, I still have some hope that he will breastfeed once he has his surgery to repair the cleft.
He is growing up so fast, I cannot believe he is already 4 months old, that he coo's all the time, that he can roll over from tummy to back and a swack of other things that make me an overly excited mom! I cant wait till it is warm enough so I can take him for walks outside, good for him and wonderful exercise for me as well. I really wish I had time to go to the gym 3 times a week, an hour break for me to work out my stress and feel better in the long run. Maybe in the future this will be a possibility but right now its not and that's okay!
I got on the scale today and my weight has gone down by 5 pounds, whether that's actually true who knows because it seems to fluctuate regularly. I am back on the eating right bandwagon because I need to go to weigh in next week.
My dad's wedding was on Monday, it was a beautiful ceremony, small but wonderful and I am proud to say I didn't even shed a tear, though I came close many a times BUT i didn't so I'm proud haha. They even gave Zephran a little suit to wear, seriously cutest thing ever!
I'm also very excited for my massage tomorrow, I definitely need the break and have had a kink in my neck for a few days that needs to be worked out, I'm hoping for a good beating!
Well it's pumping time so I am off!

0 PPD

Post Partum Depression, some people think its bullshit but in all reality it isn't. Until you have experienced it yourself you have no idea. I am struggling, struggling very hard with PPD, let me tell you it sucks horribly. I criticize myself wayy to much and way to hard, I over analyze everything and pretty much hate everything right now except for Zephran, I love him more than anything in this world and I cannot imagine life without him. He makes the hard days worth it just by looking up at me and smiling or telling me his little stories. I wish i could kick this feeling I have but I can't seem to. I feel like I accomplish nothing in a day except for feeding the baby and pumping and eating food myself. I want to be able to get schoolwork done, I want to clean the house and I want to bake and do fun things but there is a cloud covering me right now and its deadlocked on growing bigger and falling closer and closer towards my head. None of this probably makes sense but to me it does so that's all that matters. At first I did not struggle, at all with PPD. I was happy, content, everything was going my way, that soon changed. I blame myself a lot for Zephran coming early, for him having a cleft palate, it sounds ridiculous but its true. I am soooo tired of pumping, but I will not let myself give up. I have also been trying to lose weight, that is not going well. I lost all the baby weight after being pregnant within like two weeks and somehow have gained 10 pounds now. I have been trying to do weight watchers and eating lots of fruit and veggies and it's not working. Failing sucks balls. I don't want diabetes, I don't want to be obese. I also wish I had time to exercise. I know that I will figure it all out, but I hope it doesn't take forever to do so. I see my doctor today to figure out what we can do about my PPD because its not getting better, if anything its getting worse. I have to keep my chin up though because my son needs his mother and I need him more than anything! Sorry for the clusterfuck of thoughts, jut not a good day.

1 My Happy Place

So as I was browsing through some of the blogs I follow I came across a post about happy places, I haven't had time to really blog since before having Zephran so I decided to catch up on reading some of my blogs I used to read on my old blog and I thought this was a neat idea! I think about my happy place often though not always. I decided to partake in writing about happy places which is part of a blog hop I think its called, I hadn't heard of a blog hop until tonight and it seems like a pretty sweet idea to read other women's posts and maybe have them read mine in return. So here goes nothing!

My happy place is somewhere in Europe, where exactly I haven't yet decided but it would probably be some quaint little village in Scotland where everyone knows everyone. I'd own a quiet little coffee shop that also doubled as a book store and had weekly babywearing and peaceful parenting classes as well as birthing classes because as well as being a coffee shop/bookstore owner I'd also be a midwife. Now some people would choose to leave there friends and family behind but I want them with me, without them I would not be who I am nor would I be happy. Dean wouldn't have to work so bloody hard and Zephran well he'd be doing what he does best, being cute of course (I may be biased however since I am his mom!). We'd have a two storey cottage like house not far down the road with plenty of little animals for Zephran to play with and I would have time everyday to lay in my hammock and read in the backyard. Also we'd have a huge bathroom with a claw foot tub. I'd be in the best shape of my life, not skinny, not fat but just right which would be curvy, think Callie on Grey's Anatomy( Yes I just said that). In my happy place I wouldn't have to pump every 3 hours, I wouldn't have PPD and I would live life to the fullest and enjoy every moment of every day. In this place there would be no deadlines, no expectations, but just happiness, things would flow easily, people would respect others and Money wouldn't mean jack shit. In this place I would have time to go for walks, to bake cookies and to even possibly knit, yes that's right I enjoy knitting! I'm pretty sure this includes most of everything I envision in my happy place. OH, and I would have a washer and dryer, and could take daily showers, I swear you never realize how awesome showers are until you you sometimes don't get to have them daily! I also wouldn't think negatively about myself or who I am as a fiance and mother, daughter and friend. Ahhh this place sounds nice. I'll leave it at that!

1 Starting Again

I don't know why it has taken me so long to post, or why I never continued posting throughout the rest of my pregnancy, probably due to my previous posts being somewhat hurtful and quite negative. However, I have decided to delete the old posts and start anew! Thank you Meg for being my inspiration for starting to blog again, and thank you for being just an awesome person who I truly look up to, you are fabulous!

I am unsure where to start really as I have much to talk about so I will just start with the birth story of my son Zephran as told by our Doula Michelle. I am still dealing with a lot of issues from his birth as well as PPD. I am hoping to post either daily, every other day or at least weekly, I cannot make any promises though because life as a mom, especially an exclusively pumping one is purely exhausting. This blog will detail my struggles as a mom, fiance as well as my struggles with exclusively pumping and PPD. I know some of you who may read this are on my facebook and have already read my birth story, if so feel free to read again or don't lol. I hope you enjoy what I write, I'll try my best to be insightful and possibly humorous along the way!

Here's the story!
Dear Zephran,

This is the story of the day you were born. I know, you’re a boy and birth stories may not be the most interesting reading for you, but trust me, this is a good one! It has adventure, excitement, romance and even a fiery dragon of sorts. Best of all, this story is about two amazingly brave individuals and the handsome little prince that came into their lives. Read on, little one!

I first met your mother, Kaitlin, several years ago when we attended college together. Right away, I knew she was a strong independent person. She had a thirst for knowledge, an open mind, and a bit of a stubborn streak. We kept in contact after I left school to become a doula (pregnancy/labor/birth support) and it wasn’t long before your mama told me the exciting news that you were on your way!

Your dad, Dean, and I met when I came over to talk to your parents about being their doula for your birth. On that first visit, I learned your parents love story and what a story it was! Your dad proposed to your mom by hanging beautiful photos of their time together from the ceiling of your apartment. Wow! I could see the love in your parents eyes every time they looked at one another. I knew that your dad would be so incredibly supportive of your mom. I also knew that you would be loved more than you will ever know.

Over several months, your parents shared their hopes and desires for your birth. They wanted a natural, peaceful birth and they wanted you to have the best possible start in life. They wanted you to have a gentle introduction into this world. Your parents were passionate about doing everything they could to help you to grow and flourish physically, mentally and emotionally. They embraced the spiritual side of birth and welcomed the physical trials that would come with open arms, because they knew it would be an incredible experience for you all.

You must have been very excited to meet your amazing parents, because at 6:30 a.m. on Thursday, September 30, 2010, five weeks before you were supposed to be due, your mom went into labor!

When I received the call from your parents, your mom was still in early labor, but you were early, so we wanted to make sure that you were safe and doing well. Your parents headed to the hospital and, as I knew there was still time before you would arrive, I sent my back up doula, Sherel, to be with your parents until I could get to them. Here is her part of your story:

Sherel:

Kaitlin and Dean, I met you in September at a prenatal visit with my doula partner, Michelle. I was so impressed with the two of you. How prepared you were to be parents. You knew exactly what you wanted from your birth and had done all your research. I knew you would be spectacular parents and share the love between the two of you with your little one. Michelle had asked me to be her backup doula at your son’s birth. I never expected that I would be called less than two weeks later and asked to meet you at the hospital as you had already begun experiencing contractions. When I met you in the labor ward of the hospital you seemed overwhelmed with the situation, shocked to be in premature labor with still 5 weeks to go before your due date. You laughed and joked about the preparations for the baby that you had planned for that day and there was concern about having the things you needed for Zephran as your baby shower was three days later. You came into the hospital for reassurance and to get checked out and were told that your baby was on his way. So with nothing packed and brought along you were there for the duration. I talked and visited with you as you made phone calls to friends and family. Kaitlin, you were so strong, as you paused on the phone through a contraction and then went right on talking. I was very impressed by your calm way of handling the contractions. Dean was right with you the whole time giving you strength and being a strong set of arms for you to hold on to. During those long contractions, in which it took all of Kaitlin`s concentration to focus and relax, I witnessed such a depth of love in Dean’s eyes as he watched Kaitlin`s pain doing what he could to provide her comfort. Kaitlin was active through her early labor walking and moving around, experimenting with different positions when she was not on the fetal monitor. I was very impressed with the desire to be an active participant in labor. Later that morning Kaitlin`s mom and grandmother came to the hospital to see how she was doing. Contractions picked up after they arrived becoming longer and closer together. By that time we had come up with a list of supplies that Kaitlin and Zephran would need in the hospital and Dean slipped away for a while to gather the supplies. It was enjoyable having Kaitlin`s family there. They joked with her and lightened the mood between strong contractions that were coming frequently. Dean was not gone for very long and returned to Kaitlin`s side and Kaitlin donned a pair of comical Homer Simpson slippers. Shortly after that the nurses asked to monitor Zephan`s heart rate on the fetal monitor and Kaitlin`s grandma went into the laboring room with the two of you. Before long Michelle arrived to be with you through the remainder of your birth journey. I slipped in to tell you I was leaving and Kaitlin smiled and thanked me for being there. I wanted to thank you for letting me take part in your birth journey. I was so impressed by your strength and love for each other. Although Zephran came before his time I think the two of you were more than ready to be parents and both have so much love to share with your beautiful baby.
~ Sherel

When I walked into the assessment room where your parents were laboring, I was overcome by the sense of calm that your mom had. She calmly rode the waves of each contraction. Later, she commented that the rest between contractions “felt like Christmas.”

The nursing staff changed just as Sherel left us. Your parent’s first nurse, was one that I had known from my other births at the hospital and she was truly a gem! Because of your early arrival, the staff had arranged for your mom to have an ultrasound (a picture of you from the inside) to see how you had developed and check the level of amniotic fluid around you. Diane took your parents down to the ultrasound. While they were there, I took the opportunity to visit with your extended family.

A new nurse, brought your parents back from the ultrasound. I continued working with your parents as they labored for some time. I was amazed at your mama’s concentration and focus. Her breathing was perfect and your daddy was very supportive.

The beautiful bubble we were all in didn’t last long, unfortunately. All too soon, The Nurse and The Doctor came in to talk to your parents about beginning a pitocin drip. Pitocin is a synthetic version of the natural hormone, oxytocin, which stimulates labor contractions. Their thought was that your mom wasn’t in “real” labor, because she was being so calm, and they needed to make the contractions come faster so that you would be born sooner. They were worried about your health and safety. The Doctor, at that point, brought up cesarean section as well. Your parents and I were not impressed.

Your mom and dad were also worried about your health and safety. They had done much research on the effects of pitocin on birth and babies and were not keen on putting this artificial substance in your mama’s body and yours. I stepped out of the room to give your parents some time to deliberate their decision. In the meantime, I visited with the nurse and your extended family. Your grandfather (your mommy’s dad) was especially worried. He looked to me to give him an answer. I spoke at length with your family about the effects of pitocin and the reasons that your parents did not want to immediately begin the intervention. I also listened to their concerns. Every one of your extended family members, from your grandparents to your great-grandmother echoed that they knew how important you were to your parents and how much they longed to have you healthy and whole in their arms to love.

About an hour after your parents and the hospital staff had begun the discussion about pitocin; I came back in to the assessment room and asked for a moment alone with your parents. I had been watching the monitor and I knew how much your parents wanted you and loved you. It was at that moment that I told them I had to take off my “doula hat” and speak to them as a friend. I had been watching the monitors, I knew you were at increased danger because of your early arrival, but I also knew how badly your mom and dad wanted to have a natural delivery free of interventions because that would also be good for you. Still, I knew that they could begin pitocin at the lowest possible dose and it could have the desired effect without bringing too much stress. So, I asked them to consider taking the pitocin.

It turns out they had already made the decision to go ahead with the augmentation of labor. I put my “doula hat” back on and we got to work laboring again. You and your mom now had to be more closely monitored. Still, your mama was a champ at laboring! She was moved to a labor and delivery room and the pitocin was administered. I watched her carefully, put counter-pressure on her back and helped your dad to soothe her as well. It didn’t seem to be very long before the nurse and I noticed some changes on the monitor. It wasn’t a good sign.

Your heart rate started dipping dangerously during contractions. I knew what was coming next. No one had said anything yet, but I knew it was only a matter of time before a cesarean birth was ordered. I looked at Wendy, and then said a silent prayer. I knew that your parents would be strong enough to handle it, but I just prayed that they could draw on their love for you and one another to do it. A moment later, the staff announced they would need to prep your mom for a cesarean section.

With an oxygen mask over her face, your mom looked at your dad and I with fear in her eyes. Your dad fell to the floor and wept. I sat down with him and just tried to encourage him as best as I can. I brought him close to your mama and told them they needed each other then. You were coming now and you needed their strength and love.

Normally, I do not leave a laboring mom, but I knew at that moment that your mother needed her mother. I had to tell your extended family, all of whom were waiting anxiously outside the labor ward, what was going on. I told your grandmother to go in with your mom and dad and also sent your grandfather (your daddy’s dad) in to just look in your dad’s eyes to give him strength. The rest of us anxiously waited for news.

In mere minutes after sending your grandmother to you all, she came through the hospital doors announcing your arrival! We were shocked! How could they have performed a cesarean so quickly? Well, it turns out you and your mama weren’t having that. You arrived all on your own at 8:31 p.m. on September 30, 2010, weighing in at 6 lbs 1.17 oz. A miracle baby and handsome little prince! We all began to cry and hug one another. You were here and we were so happy you were well! When I visited your mama in her room, she said, “Now this feels like Christmas!”

Because you came early, the doctors and nurses needed to take extra special care of you, so you were taken to the neonatal intensive care nursery. We were each able to come in and see you for a few minutes at a time. You had a perfect little head and chubby chipmunk cheeks. What a beautiful little boy! Your mama was able to pump breast milk for you and feed you using a special device called a supplemental nursing system. Your family needed to spend extra time in the hospital to make sure you were growing well and breathing properly, but it didn’t take long before you were finally home with your mama and daddy!

I am so honored that your family chose to have me be a part of your special first day in this world. I may have missed the birth, but I am so proud of your parents. Be good to your mama; she has worked so hard for you. Listen to your dad; he wants you to be healthy and happy. You have the best parents in the world, Zephran. They love you more than anything or anyone in the universe. You are their world, little man!

May you all live happily ever after…

Love,
Michelle

I know that was long, but I think it is well worth the read, I have only read it once as I cry wayyy to much to read it more, I can say that I am proud of myself for having a drug free labour, except for pitocin, though I wish I could change many other things about the birth of Zephran, I try very hard not to beat myself up though, it is hard not to though. Until next time!