So as I was browsing through some of the blogs I follow I came across a post about happy places, I haven't had time to really blog since before having Zephran so I decided to catch up on reading some of my blogs I used to read on my old blog and I thought this was a neat idea! I think about my happy place often though not always. I decided to partake in writing about happy places which is part of a blog hop I think its called, I hadn't heard of a blog hop until tonight and it seems like a pretty sweet idea to read other women's posts and maybe have them read mine in return. So here goes nothing!
My happy place is somewhere in Europe, where exactly I haven't yet decided but it would probably be some quaint little village in Scotland where everyone knows everyone. I'd own a quiet little coffee shop that also doubled as a book store and had weekly babywearing and peaceful parenting classes as well as birthing classes because as well as being a coffee shop/bookstore owner I'd also be a midwife. Now some people would choose to leave there friends and family behind but I want them with me, without them I would not be who I am nor would I be happy. Dean wouldn't have to work so bloody hard and Zephran well he'd be doing what he does best, being cute of course (I may be biased however since I am his mom!). We'd have a two storey cottage like house not far down the road with plenty of little animals for Zephran to play with and I would have time everyday to lay in my hammock and read in the backyard. Also we'd have a huge bathroom with a claw foot tub. I'd be in the best shape of my life, not skinny, not fat but just right which would be curvy, think Callie on Grey's Anatomy( Yes I just said that). In my happy place I wouldn't have to pump every 3 hours, I wouldn't have PPD and I would live life to the fullest and enjoy every moment of every day. In this place there would be no deadlines, no expectations, but just happiness, things would flow easily, people would respect others and Money wouldn't mean jack shit. In this place I would have time to go for walks, to bake cookies and to even possibly knit, yes that's right I enjoy knitting! I'm pretty sure this includes most of everything I envision in my happy place. OH, and I would have a washer and dryer, and could take daily showers, I swear you never realize how awesome showers are until you you sometimes don't get to have them daily! I also wouldn't think negatively about myself or who I am as a fiance and mother, daughter and friend. Ahhh this place sounds nice. I'll leave it at that!
1 Starting Again
I don't know why it has taken me so long to post, or why I never continued posting throughout the rest of my pregnancy, probably due to my previous posts being somewhat hurtful and quite negative. However, I have decided to delete the old posts and start anew! Thank you Meg for being my inspiration for starting to blog again, and thank you for being just an awesome person who I truly look up to, you are fabulous!
I am unsure where to start really as I have much to talk about so I will just start with the birth story of my son Zephran as told by our Doula Michelle. I am still dealing with a lot of issues from his birth as well as PPD. I am hoping to post either daily, every other day or at least weekly, I cannot make any promises though because life as a mom, especially an exclusively pumping one is purely exhausting. This blog will detail my struggles as a mom, fiance as well as my struggles with exclusively pumping and PPD. I know some of you who may read this are on my facebook and have already read my birth story, if so feel free to read again or don't lol. I hope you enjoy what I write, I'll try my best to be insightful and possibly humorous along the way!
Here's the story!
Dear Zephran,
This is the story of the day you were born. I know, you’re a boy and birth stories may not be the most interesting reading for you, but trust me, this is a good one! It has adventure, excitement, romance and even a fiery dragon of sorts. Best of all, this story is about two amazingly brave individuals and the handsome little prince that came into their lives. Read on, little one!
I first met your mother, Kaitlin, several years ago when we attended college together. Right away, I knew she was a strong independent person. She had a thirst for knowledge, an open mind, and a bit of a stubborn streak. We kept in contact after I left school to become a doula (pregnancy/labor/birth support) and it wasn’t long before your mama told me the exciting news that you were on your way!
Your dad, Dean, and I met when I came over to talk to your parents about being their doula for your birth. On that first visit, I learned your parents love story and what a story it was! Your dad proposed to your mom by hanging beautiful photos of their time together from the ceiling of your apartment. Wow! I could see the love in your parents eyes every time they looked at one another. I knew that your dad would be so incredibly supportive of your mom. I also knew that you would be loved more than you will ever know.
Over several months, your parents shared their hopes and desires for your birth. They wanted a natural, peaceful birth and they wanted you to have the best possible start in life. They wanted you to have a gentle introduction into this world. Your parents were passionate about doing everything they could to help you to grow and flourish physically, mentally and emotionally. They embraced the spiritual side of birth and welcomed the physical trials that would come with open arms, because they knew it would be an incredible experience for you all.
You must have been very excited to meet your amazing parents, because at 6:30 a.m. on Thursday, September 30, 2010, five weeks before you were supposed to be due, your mom went into labor!
When I received the call from your parents, your mom was still in early labor, but you were early, so we wanted to make sure that you were safe and doing well. Your parents headed to the hospital and, as I knew there was still time before you would arrive, I sent my back up doula, Sherel, to be with your parents until I could get to them. Here is her part of your story:
Sherel:
Kaitlin and Dean, I met you in September at a prenatal visit with my doula partner, Michelle. I was so impressed with the two of you. How prepared you were to be parents. You knew exactly what you wanted from your birth and had done all your research. I knew you would be spectacular parents and share the love between the two of you with your little one. Michelle had asked me to be her backup doula at your son’s birth. I never expected that I would be called less than two weeks later and asked to meet you at the hospital as you had already begun experiencing contractions. When I met you in the labor ward of the hospital you seemed overwhelmed with the situation, shocked to be in premature labor with still 5 weeks to go before your due date. You laughed and joked about the preparations for the baby that you had planned for that day and there was concern about having the things you needed for Zephran as your baby shower was three days later. You came into the hospital for reassurance and to get checked out and were told that your baby was on his way. So with nothing packed and brought along you were there for the duration. I talked and visited with you as you made phone calls to friends and family. Kaitlin, you were so strong, as you paused on the phone through a contraction and then went right on talking. I was very impressed by your calm way of handling the contractions. Dean was right with you the whole time giving you strength and being a strong set of arms for you to hold on to. During those long contractions, in which it took all of Kaitlin`s concentration to focus and relax, I witnessed such a depth of love in Dean’s eyes as he watched Kaitlin`s pain doing what he could to provide her comfort. Kaitlin was active through her early labor walking and moving around, experimenting with different positions when she was not on the fetal monitor. I was very impressed with the desire to be an active participant in labor. Later that morning Kaitlin`s mom and grandmother came to the hospital to see how she was doing. Contractions picked up after they arrived becoming longer and closer together. By that time we had come up with a list of supplies that Kaitlin and Zephran would need in the hospital and Dean slipped away for a while to gather the supplies. It was enjoyable having Kaitlin`s family there. They joked with her and lightened the mood between strong contractions that were coming frequently. Dean was not gone for very long and returned to Kaitlin`s side and Kaitlin donned a pair of comical Homer Simpson slippers. Shortly after that the nurses asked to monitor Zephan`s heart rate on the fetal monitor and Kaitlin`s grandma went into the laboring room with the two of you. Before long Michelle arrived to be with you through the remainder of your birth journey. I slipped in to tell you I was leaving and Kaitlin smiled and thanked me for being there. I wanted to thank you for letting me take part in your birth journey. I was so impressed by your strength and love for each other. Although Zephran came before his time I think the two of you were more than ready to be parents and both have so much love to share with your beautiful baby.
~ Sherel
When I walked into the assessment room where your parents were laboring, I was overcome by the sense of calm that your mom had. She calmly rode the waves of each contraction. Later, she commented that the rest between contractions “felt like Christmas.”
The nursing staff changed just as Sherel left us. Your parent’s first nurse, was one that I had known from my other births at the hospital and she was truly a gem! Because of your early arrival, the staff had arranged for your mom to have an ultrasound (a picture of you from the inside) to see how you had developed and check the level of amniotic fluid around you. Diane took your parents down to the ultrasound. While they were there, I took the opportunity to visit with your extended family.
A new nurse, brought your parents back from the ultrasound. I continued working with your parents as they labored for some time. I was amazed at your mama’s concentration and focus. Her breathing was perfect and your daddy was very supportive.
The beautiful bubble we were all in didn’t last long, unfortunately. All too soon, The Nurse and The Doctor came in to talk to your parents about beginning a pitocin drip. Pitocin is a synthetic version of the natural hormone, oxytocin, which stimulates labor contractions. Their thought was that your mom wasn’t in “real” labor, because she was being so calm, and they needed to make the contractions come faster so that you would be born sooner. They were worried about your health and safety. The Doctor, at that point, brought up cesarean section as well. Your parents and I were not impressed.
Your mom and dad were also worried about your health and safety. They had done much research on the effects of pitocin on birth and babies and were not keen on putting this artificial substance in your mama’s body and yours. I stepped out of the room to give your parents some time to deliberate their decision. In the meantime, I visited with the nurse and your extended family. Your grandfather (your mommy’s dad) was especially worried. He looked to me to give him an answer. I spoke at length with your family about the effects of pitocin and the reasons that your parents did not want to immediately begin the intervention. I also listened to their concerns. Every one of your extended family members, from your grandparents to your great-grandmother echoed that they knew how important you were to your parents and how much they longed to have you healthy and whole in their arms to love.
About an hour after your parents and the hospital staff had begun the discussion about pitocin; I came back in to the assessment room and asked for a moment alone with your parents. I had been watching the monitor and I knew how much your parents wanted you and loved you. It was at that moment that I told them I had to take off my “doula hat” and speak to them as a friend. I had been watching the monitors, I knew you were at increased danger because of your early arrival, but I also knew how badly your mom and dad wanted to have a natural delivery free of interventions because that would also be good for you. Still, I knew that they could begin pitocin at the lowest possible dose and it could have the desired effect without bringing too much stress. So, I asked them to consider taking the pitocin.
It turns out they had already made the decision to go ahead with the augmentation of labor. I put my “doula hat” back on and we got to work laboring again. You and your mom now had to be more closely monitored. Still, your mama was a champ at laboring! She was moved to a labor and delivery room and the pitocin was administered. I watched her carefully, put counter-pressure on her back and helped your dad to soothe her as well. It didn’t seem to be very long before the nurse and I noticed some changes on the monitor. It wasn’t a good sign.
Your heart rate started dipping dangerously during contractions. I knew what was coming next. No one had said anything yet, but I knew it was only a matter of time before a cesarean birth was ordered. I looked at Wendy, and then said a silent prayer. I knew that your parents would be strong enough to handle it, but I just prayed that they could draw on their love for you and one another to do it. A moment later, the staff announced they would need to prep your mom for a cesarean section.
With an oxygen mask over her face, your mom looked at your dad and I with fear in her eyes. Your dad fell to the floor and wept. I sat down with him and just tried to encourage him as best as I can. I brought him close to your mama and told them they needed each other then. You were coming now and you needed their strength and love.
Normally, I do not leave a laboring mom, but I knew at that moment that your mother needed her mother. I had to tell your extended family, all of whom were waiting anxiously outside the labor ward, what was going on. I told your grandmother to go in with your mom and dad and also sent your grandfather (your daddy’s dad) in to just look in your dad’s eyes to give him strength. The rest of us anxiously waited for news.
In mere minutes after sending your grandmother to you all, she came through the hospital doors announcing your arrival! We were shocked! How could they have performed a cesarean so quickly? Well, it turns out you and your mama weren’t having that. You arrived all on your own at 8:31 p.m. on September 30, 2010, weighing in at 6 lbs 1.17 oz. A miracle baby and handsome little prince! We all began to cry and hug one another. You were here and we were so happy you were well! When I visited your mama in her room, she said, “Now this feels like Christmas!”
Because you came early, the doctors and nurses needed to take extra special care of you, so you were taken to the neonatal intensive care nursery. We were each able to come in and see you for a few minutes at a time. You had a perfect little head and chubby chipmunk cheeks. What a beautiful little boy! Your mama was able to pump breast milk for you and feed you using a special device called a supplemental nursing system. Your family needed to spend extra time in the hospital to make sure you were growing well and breathing properly, but it didn’t take long before you were finally home with your mama and daddy!
I am so honored that your family chose to have me be a part of your special first day in this world. I may have missed the birth, but I am so proud of your parents. Be good to your mama; she has worked so hard for you. Listen to your dad; he wants you to be healthy and happy. You have the best parents in the world, Zephran. They love you more than anything or anyone in the universe. You are their world, little man!
May you all live happily ever after…
Love,
Michelle
I know that was long, but I think it is well worth the read, I have only read it once as I cry wayyy to much to read it more, I can say that I am proud of myself for having a drug free labour, except for pitocin, though I wish I could change many other things about the birth of Zephran, I try very hard not to beat myself up though, it is hard not to though. Until next time!
I am unsure where to start really as I have much to talk about so I will just start with the birth story of my son Zephran as told by our Doula Michelle. I am still dealing with a lot of issues from his birth as well as PPD. I am hoping to post either daily, every other day or at least weekly, I cannot make any promises though because life as a mom, especially an exclusively pumping one is purely exhausting. This blog will detail my struggles as a mom, fiance as well as my struggles with exclusively pumping and PPD. I know some of you who may read this are on my facebook and have already read my birth story, if so feel free to read again or don't lol. I hope you enjoy what I write, I'll try my best to be insightful and possibly humorous along the way!
Here's the story!
Dear Zephran,
This is the story of the day you were born. I know, you’re a boy and birth stories may not be the most interesting reading for you, but trust me, this is a good one! It has adventure, excitement, romance and even a fiery dragon of sorts. Best of all, this story is about two amazingly brave individuals and the handsome little prince that came into their lives. Read on, little one!
I first met your mother, Kaitlin, several years ago when we attended college together. Right away, I knew she was a strong independent person. She had a thirst for knowledge, an open mind, and a bit of a stubborn streak. We kept in contact after I left school to become a doula (pregnancy/labor/birth support) and it wasn’t long before your mama told me the exciting news that you were on your way!
Your dad, Dean, and I met when I came over to talk to your parents about being their doula for your birth. On that first visit, I learned your parents love story and what a story it was! Your dad proposed to your mom by hanging beautiful photos of their time together from the ceiling of your apartment. Wow! I could see the love in your parents eyes every time they looked at one another. I knew that your dad would be so incredibly supportive of your mom. I also knew that you would be loved more than you will ever know.
Over several months, your parents shared their hopes and desires for your birth. They wanted a natural, peaceful birth and they wanted you to have the best possible start in life. They wanted you to have a gentle introduction into this world. Your parents were passionate about doing everything they could to help you to grow and flourish physically, mentally and emotionally. They embraced the spiritual side of birth and welcomed the physical trials that would come with open arms, because they knew it would be an incredible experience for you all.
You must have been very excited to meet your amazing parents, because at 6:30 a.m. on Thursday, September 30, 2010, five weeks before you were supposed to be due, your mom went into labor!
When I received the call from your parents, your mom was still in early labor, but you were early, so we wanted to make sure that you were safe and doing well. Your parents headed to the hospital and, as I knew there was still time before you would arrive, I sent my back up doula, Sherel, to be with your parents until I could get to them. Here is her part of your story:
Sherel:
Kaitlin and Dean, I met you in September at a prenatal visit with my doula partner, Michelle. I was so impressed with the two of you. How prepared you were to be parents. You knew exactly what you wanted from your birth and had done all your research. I knew you would be spectacular parents and share the love between the two of you with your little one. Michelle had asked me to be her backup doula at your son’s birth. I never expected that I would be called less than two weeks later and asked to meet you at the hospital as you had already begun experiencing contractions. When I met you in the labor ward of the hospital you seemed overwhelmed with the situation, shocked to be in premature labor with still 5 weeks to go before your due date. You laughed and joked about the preparations for the baby that you had planned for that day and there was concern about having the things you needed for Zephran as your baby shower was three days later. You came into the hospital for reassurance and to get checked out and were told that your baby was on his way. So with nothing packed and brought along you were there for the duration. I talked and visited with you as you made phone calls to friends and family. Kaitlin, you were so strong, as you paused on the phone through a contraction and then went right on talking. I was very impressed by your calm way of handling the contractions. Dean was right with you the whole time giving you strength and being a strong set of arms for you to hold on to. During those long contractions, in which it took all of Kaitlin`s concentration to focus and relax, I witnessed such a depth of love in Dean’s eyes as he watched Kaitlin`s pain doing what he could to provide her comfort. Kaitlin was active through her early labor walking and moving around, experimenting with different positions when she was not on the fetal monitor. I was very impressed with the desire to be an active participant in labor. Later that morning Kaitlin`s mom and grandmother came to the hospital to see how she was doing. Contractions picked up after they arrived becoming longer and closer together. By that time we had come up with a list of supplies that Kaitlin and Zephran would need in the hospital and Dean slipped away for a while to gather the supplies. It was enjoyable having Kaitlin`s family there. They joked with her and lightened the mood between strong contractions that were coming frequently. Dean was not gone for very long and returned to Kaitlin`s side and Kaitlin donned a pair of comical Homer Simpson slippers. Shortly after that the nurses asked to monitor Zephan`s heart rate on the fetal monitor and Kaitlin`s grandma went into the laboring room with the two of you. Before long Michelle arrived to be with you through the remainder of your birth journey. I slipped in to tell you I was leaving and Kaitlin smiled and thanked me for being there. I wanted to thank you for letting me take part in your birth journey. I was so impressed by your strength and love for each other. Although Zephran came before his time I think the two of you were more than ready to be parents and both have so much love to share with your beautiful baby.
~ Sherel
When I walked into the assessment room where your parents were laboring, I was overcome by the sense of calm that your mom had. She calmly rode the waves of each contraction. Later, she commented that the rest between contractions “felt like Christmas.”
The nursing staff changed just as Sherel left us. Your parent’s first nurse, was one that I had known from my other births at the hospital and she was truly a gem! Because of your early arrival, the staff had arranged for your mom to have an ultrasound (a picture of you from the inside) to see how you had developed and check the level of amniotic fluid around you. Diane took your parents down to the ultrasound. While they were there, I took the opportunity to visit with your extended family.
A new nurse, brought your parents back from the ultrasound. I continued working with your parents as they labored for some time. I was amazed at your mama’s concentration and focus. Her breathing was perfect and your daddy was very supportive.
The beautiful bubble we were all in didn’t last long, unfortunately. All too soon, The Nurse and The Doctor came in to talk to your parents about beginning a pitocin drip. Pitocin is a synthetic version of the natural hormone, oxytocin, which stimulates labor contractions. Their thought was that your mom wasn’t in “real” labor, because she was being so calm, and they needed to make the contractions come faster so that you would be born sooner. They were worried about your health and safety. The Doctor, at that point, brought up cesarean section as well. Your parents and I were not impressed.
Your mom and dad were also worried about your health and safety. They had done much research on the effects of pitocin on birth and babies and were not keen on putting this artificial substance in your mama’s body and yours. I stepped out of the room to give your parents some time to deliberate their decision. In the meantime, I visited with the nurse and your extended family. Your grandfather (your mommy’s dad) was especially worried. He looked to me to give him an answer. I spoke at length with your family about the effects of pitocin and the reasons that your parents did not want to immediately begin the intervention. I also listened to their concerns. Every one of your extended family members, from your grandparents to your great-grandmother echoed that they knew how important you were to your parents and how much they longed to have you healthy and whole in their arms to love.
About an hour after your parents and the hospital staff had begun the discussion about pitocin; I came back in to the assessment room and asked for a moment alone with your parents. I had been watching the monitor and I knew how much your parents wanted you and loved you. It was at that moment that I told them I had to take off my “doula hat” and speak to them as a friend. I had been watching the monitors, I knew you were at increased danger because of your early arrival, but I also knew how badly your mom and dad wanted to have a natural delivery free of interventions because that would also be good for you. Still, I knew that they could begin pitocin at the lowest possible dose and it could have the desired effect without bringing too much stress. So, I asked them to consider taking the pitocin.
It turns out they had already made the decision to go ahead with the augmentation of labor. I put my “doula hat” back on and we got to work laboring again. You and your mom now had to be more closely monitored. Still, your mama was a champ at laboring! She was moved to a labor and delivery room and the pitocin was administered. I watched her carefully, put counter-pressure on her back and helped your dad to soothe her as well. It didn’t seem to be very long before the nurse and I noticed some changes on the monitor. It wasn’t a good sign.
Your heart rate started dipping dangerously during contractions. I knew what was coming next. No one had said anything yet, but I knew it was only a matter of time before a cesarean birth was ordered. I looked at Wendy, and then said a silent prayer. I knew that your parents would be strong enough to handle it, but I just prayed that they could draw on their love for you and one another to do it. A moment later, the staff announced they would need to prep your mom for a cesarean section.
With an oxygen mask over her face, your mom looked at your dad and I with fear in her eyes. Your dad fell to the floor and wept. I sat down with him and just tried to encourage him as best as I can. I brought him close to your mama and told them they needed each other then. You were coming now and you needed their strength and love.
Normally, I do not leave a laboring mom, but I knew at that moment that your mother needed her mother. I had to tell your extended family, all of whom were waiting anxiously outside the labor ward, what was going on. I told your grandmother to go in with your mom and dad and also sent your grandfather (your daddy’s dad) in to just look in your dad’s eyes to give him strength. The rest of us anxiously waited for news.
In mere minutes after sending your grandmother to you all, she came through the hospital doors announcing your arrival! We were shocked! How could they have performed a cesarean so quickly? Well, it turns out you and your mama weren’t having that. You arrived all on your own at 8:31 p.m. on September 30, 2010, weighing in at 6 lbs 1.17 oz. A miracle baby and handsome little prince! We all began to cry and hug one another. You were here and we were so happy you were well! When I visited your mama in her room, she said, “Now this feels like Christmas!”
Because you came early, the doctors and nurses needed to take extra special care of you, so you were taken to the neonatal intensive care nursery. We were each able to come in and see you for a few minutes at a time. You had a perfect little head and chubby chipmunk cheeks. What a beautiful little boy! Your mama was able to pump breast milk for you and feed you using a special device called a supplemental nursing system. Your family needed to spend extra time in the hospital to make sure you were growing well and breathing properly, but it didn’t take long before you were finally home with your mama and daddy!
I am so honored that your family chose to have me be a part of your special first day in this world. I may have missed the birth, but I am so proud of your parents. Be good to your mama; she has worked so hard for you. Listen to your dad; he wants you to be healthy and happy. You have the best parents in the world, Zephran. They love you more than anything or anyone in the universe. You are their world, little man!
May you all live happily ever after…
Love,
Michelle
I know that was long, but I think it is well worth the read, I have only read it once as I cry wayyy to much to read it more, I can say that I am proud of myself for having a drug free labour, except for pitocin, though I wish I could change many other things about the birth of Zephran, I try very hard not to beat myself up though, it is hard not to though. Until next time!
