0 A new home

Its been awhile since my last post and since then we have moved! I lovvvvee our new place, we are still renting but its a house and we have a yard and laundry facilities which means YES we are now cloth diapering! I was so excited to jump on that band wagon as it saves so much money as well as saves the environment, and well they are cute!

Anyways back to the move. We packed for about a week and were ready for the move on the 23rd (we moved in a week early so that we had time to clean the old place). I was sooo happy that a lot of our friends and family came out to help us move which made the transition way easier and we were all moved over within about 2 hours as well as fully unpacked by the end of the next day. By the 3rd day we had our pictures hung and were quite comfy! My favourite thing about the house is the floors, no carpet, all hardwood and lino which means I got a swiffer and I enjoy cleaning the floors on a daily basis now haha. The only negative I find is that it is regularly freezing in here and I would prefer not to have to run the heater 24/7, we'll find a happy medium though!

On another note Zephran is now almost 7 months old and has started saying "Mamamama" seriously the cutest thing ever and now int he past day or two he's been saying it in a throaty type tone, almost demonic like haha creepy yet funny! He can half army crawl backwards and rolls everywhere, he also loves to stand and jump in his exersaucer. He is still exclusively breastfed though we are thinking that in the next week or two we will sit him in his highchair and put some food on there and see what he does, if he wants to eat it he can and if not then no harm in it! I have also decided to not always pump 3 times a day but sometimes cut it down to 2, I am still getting 30 oz or so a day which is enough for Zephran and I have two boxes of frozen milk. My goal was to make it to 8 months at least, if I can go longer then I will, if not I will still have him on Breastmilk whether its mine or someone else's.

I am starting to get excited and a bit nervous for my Doula course. It is on May 13-15th in Calgary and I know its going to be an amazing experience! I hope that in being a Doula I can make a huge change in many women's and families lives and I hope to make their birth a wonderful experience!

In other news, I have finally started to lose weight! It is slow coming off but hey its better than gaining or staying the same. So far I am down 10 pounds, its not noticeable and it probably wont be until I am down a good 30-50 pounds I'd say but I am still proud and still going to keep it up. I have just been watching my portions of everything I eat as well as eating more fresh foods. Now that we are all done moving and the weather is improving(except for the stupid rain today) I am hoping to go for more walks with little bean as well as head back to the gym! I have found since starting on a vitamin B complex that I have much more energy so that helps immensely.

On Wednesday Dean and I got to go on a date to Chris Cornell, one of thee best concerts I have ever been to. It was his acoustic tour and it was so relaxing and mellow but yet so energetic! Zephran however woke up and freaked out for a bit I guess because we were not here when he woke up to eat. He is definitely a Mommy and Daddy suck! I definitely feel like Dean and I need to have more dates though or do more things together even if we have baby with us, I feel like our relationship when my PPD was bad was taking a hit and now that I am feeling better I feel like our relationship has definitely improved, relationships are not easy, they take work, but that work is worth it!

Not much else is new other than that however and baby bean is waking up from his nap so until next time!

0 Above the clouds

Well the last post was quite depressing if I do say so myself. I am feeling much better however so this post will be much more positive! I realized that I was in a rut which is the first step to fixing things. My PPD is slowly getting better and I realized I cannot let it hold me back and even if I feel like curling up in a hole I cannot, I need to get up and get shit done and motivate myself. I started taking a b complex vitamin and I've noticed a bit of improvement in energy levels and mood. I also seen my doctor today and we discussed my meds and how they were working for me. A few months ago I had talked about switching antidepressants to cipralex, well it does work however one thing I noticed is a HUGE drop in motivation and energy, as well as mood swings or just pure bitchiness and withdrawing from social interaction. My doctor informed me that coming off wellbutrin which is a mood stabilizer and going onto cipralex which is not a mood stabilizer will do that, needless to say we are starting the wellbutrin again at a low dose to stabilize my moods and see how that goes. Some people are very against medications however I am not. I know for me they do work and that herbs and vitamins don't fix my depression, it sucks but my mental health plays a huge role in my physical health as well as my day relationships.

I am also being very conscious of what I have been eating and how much as well and my weight is no longer going up but going down. It is going down slowly which is okay with me, I know that it wont happen fast and that with pumping my body will hold onto some weight in order to make sure my milk supply stays good. Its finally nice out so walking everyday is definitely going to be a goal of mine for this summer.

We are almost all packed and are all ready to move, its exciting yet kinda makes me nervous that we will have a house and more space and more bills in a sense. Its going to be awesome though to have a yard and space and I'm excited to have a garden.

All in all things are looking up, I am positive and I am going to do my best to make my life awesome. I didn't realize how much my issues affected my relationship with Dean and how shitty I was making him feel. I never want to jeopardize my relationship with him when I can better myself and our relationship instead! I love my family more than anything and I would do anything for them. Anywho its pumping time and then I am gonna bake some muffins! Until next time!

0 Rut

I'm in a rut. I've been in one for awhile, and it seems to get deeper yet sometimes its shallow. How do I even explain how I feel? I don't even know where to begin, the only thing I seem sure of anymore is that I love my son more than anything and I always want to do whats best for him. I am miserable most of the time, I have no motivation to do anything, My self esteem is little to nothing and most days I barely find the gumption to get out of bed. All of this, I blame on PPD. I had okay days here and there, more like brief moments. It has taken a huge toll on my relationship with Dean. I feel horrible for him having to deal with me. I also don't know how to get out of this rut, I feel alone, very alone except for my online forums of moms who keep me sane because they understand what its like to feel like this, they know. They don't judge me for feeling the way I do, they support me and cheer me on in my journey of motherhood, they tell me I'm doing an awesome job and always know what to say especially when I need to hear it most. With them I don't feel so alone. How do I explain PPD to someone who has never experienced it? I wish there was a button, one I could push to make everything better, but there isn't. I am slowly working on myself, trying to dig myself out of this rut. I have packed up pretty much everything that can be packed in the house for when we move next week. I've been baking more, something I love to do. And something I'm really proud of is I've lost 7 pounds, its been slow coming off but I don't want it to fall off nor will it with breastfeeding either. I try to give myself credit for being a good mom, I try my best even though I feel a lot of the time my best isn't good enough. I have wanted to write for a long time about this. About how I feel, and to tell you the truth this isn't even all of it. I am ashamed for what I am right now, even though I know this is not a forever feeling, that it doesn't just change overnight. I don't know how to ask for help always because I am ashamed, I feel like I am too proud sometimes, that I feel I can just cover everything up and plaster a smile on my face. The thing is though, I cant keep doing it because it is a detriment to my health, its not helping and I need to reach out for help instead of hiding inside. This may have seemed all over the place, which is okay because its made me feel a lot better in a sense. I know things will get better, it just takes time. Until next time.

1 Frustration

Its been just over 6 months. 6 months that have been so happy, overwhelming, tiring, a huge whirlwind of emotions. I have had ups and downs of frustration though. It is so hard some days to continue pumping. I will never give up because I know what I am doing benefits Zephran to the full extent but sometimes I just want to stop so I don't have to worry about making enough milk, about each oz that I pump. I don't know how to explain the frustration I have with pumping when I do have it but it drives me insane sometimes. I have been renting a pump for the past month ish because my pump in style crapped out. Dean found me a pump in style on facebook so I bought it for the cheap price of $50 (considering they go for $350), well the suction just isn't working for me, it doesn't seem to suction properly without me pressing the shield against my boob in an uncomfortable way. The pump also is louder than loud which drives me insane, I have this thing where I cannot hear the pump when pumping because it distracts me and annoys the shit outta me, doesn't make sense I know but that's just how it is. The rented pump isn't loud at all and it works wonders, I think I will probably end up just sticking with the Symphony and sell the other pump since it does work it just doesn't work for me if that makes sense? I wish I wasn't so sensitive to sounds. I am very proud of myself though for making it this far in exclusively pumping. I pump 3 times a day now which isn't a lot at all considering Zephran is still only on breastmilk. I used to pump 6-8 times a day which took up all my time and energy. It still does take a lot of energy up and I get paranoid when I can't plan when I'm going to pump next and so on. I don't think many people understand what its like to pump, but its something I have chosen to do and will continue to do because I know how good it is for him. Everything I do, I do for him and for our family. Even though its such a frustrating thing at times, it is the most rewarding thing ever!

3 One foot in the door

I am very excited to say that I have officially registered for my Doula training to receive my certification! It is a 3 days course in Calgary in May and I decided to take it through DONA International as the lady who is teaching CAPPA is unsure and does not know when she will know if she can continue teaching or not and I do not want to miss out on taking the training in May. I am however planning to complete the Labour doula training through DONA and then possibly taking my post partum doula training Distance wise through CAPPA as well as possibly attending some waterbirth seminars in the future and some breastfeeding classes too. I went and purchased my first book that I need to read prior to attending the training, the rest I plan to get in eBook form however I need to return my Kobo and get the Kindle since I can get all of the books through the Kindle and not the Kobo, kind of a piss off but none the less worth it! I am glad I get to choose which ones I want to read type thing. The one I have to read prior is Pregnancy, Childbirth and the Newborn by Penny Simkin, definitely one I am interested in. I plan on reading Ina May's guide to childbirth as well as The nursing mothers companion, there are a few others I have to read as well and I am definitely looking forward to it! I have to attend 3 births and be evaluated and I may already have someone to fill one of those spots! I cannot wait to support women and their families and help educate them on pregnancy, childbirth and parenting!!! I am so glad I decided to take this step now and get one foot in the door to help in my eventual goal of becoming a midwife!