Rut

I'm in a rut. I've been in one for awhile, and it seems to get deeper yet sometimes its shallow. How do I even explain how I feel? I don't even know where to begin, the only thing I seem sure of anymore is that I love my son more than anything and I always want to do whats best for him. I am miserable most of the time, I have no motivation to do anything, My self esteem is little to nothing and most days I barely find the gumption to get out of bed. All of this, I blame on PPD. I had okay days here and there, more like brief moments. It has taken a huge toll on my relationship with Dean. I feel horrible for him having to deal with me. I also don't know how to get out of this rut, I feel alone, very alone except for my online forums of moms who keep me sane because they understand what its like to feel like this, they know. They don't judge me for feeling the way I do, they support me and cheer me on in my journey of motherhood, they tell me I'm doing an awesome job and always know what to say especially when I need to hear it most. With them I don't feel so alone. How do I explain PPD to someone who has never experienced it? I wish there was a button, one I could push to make everything better, but there isn't. I am slowly working on myself, trying to dig myself out of this rut. I have packed up pretty much everything that can be packed in the house for when we move next week. I've been baking more, something I love to do. And something I'm really proud of is I've lost 7 pounds, its been slow coming off but I don't want it to fall off nor will it with breastfeeding either. I try to give myself credit for being a good mom, I try my best even though I feel a lot of the time my best isn't good enough. I have wanted to write for a long time about this. About how I feel, and to tell you the truth this isn't even all of it. I am ashamed for what I am right now, even though I know this is not a forever feeling, that it doesn't just change overnight. I don't know how to ask for help always because I am ashamed, I feel like I am too proud sometimes, that I feel I can just cover everything up and plaster a smile on my face. The thing is though, I cant keep doing it because it is a detriment to my health, its not helping and I need to reach out for help instead of hiding inside. This may have seemed all over the place, which is okay because its made me feel a lot better in a sense. I know things will get better, it just takes time. Until next time.