PPD

Post Partum Depression, some people think its bullshit but in all reality it isn't. Until you have experienced it yourself you have no idea. I am struggling, struggling very hard with PPD, let me tell you it sucks horribly. I criticize myself wayy to much and way to hard, I over analyze everything and pretty much hate everything right now except for Zephran, I love him more than anything in this world and I cannot imagine life without him. He makes the hard days worth it just by looking up at me and smiling or telling me his little stories. I wish i could kick this feeling I have but I can't seem to. I feel like I accomplish nothing in a day except for feeding the baby and pumping and eating food myself. I want to be able to get schoolwork done, I want to clean the house and I want to bake and do fun things but there is a cloud covering me right now and its deadlocked on growing bigger and falling closer and closer towards my head. None of this probably makes sense but to me it does so that's all that matters. At first I did not struggle, at all with PPD. I was happy, content, everything was going my way, that soon changed. I blame myself a lot for Zephran coming early, for him having a cleft palate, it sounds ridiculous but its true. I am soooo tired of pumping, but I will not let myself give up. I have also been trying to lose weight, that is not going well. I lost all the baby weight after being pregnant within like two weeks and somehow have gained 10 pounds now. I have been trying to do weight watchers and eating lots of fruit and veggies and it's not working. Failing sucks balls. I don't want diabetes, I don't want to be obese. I also wish I had time to exercise. I know that I will figure it all out, but I hope it doesn't take forever to do so. I see my doctor today to figure out what we can do about my PPD because its not getting better, if anything its getting worse. I have to keep my chin up though because my son needs his mother and I need him more than anything! Sorry for the clusterfuck of thoughts, jut not a good day.