I figured since Zephran is napping I will do an update since I haven't in awhile! We are all doing good, I am doing so much better PPD wise, I do have my bad days but they are coming few and far between. My only issue now is getting over the tiredness, it seems I have been exhausted since starting the new antidepressants but I am hoping that going back to the gym and getting to bed earlier will help. I went to the gym last week, ha vent been back since, just need to manage my time better but I will be going again on Monday and then working out with Dean at the Legion before weigh in on Tuesdays as I have also went back to Weight Watchers. I am having a harder time following that as I have been going on Deliveries with Dean in the evenings when he is working which poses a risk of me smelling all of the food he is delivering and us getting fast food, not good. I think what I should do is eat at home and then go with him around 7 or 8 at night and that way I wont be tempted to eat a bunch of fast food. I really want to lose 50lbs by August, that's around 10lbs a month which isn't to much considering I am hoping to hit the gym for an hour at least each day or at least 3 times a week, Plus once it's nice enough out we are going to go for walks as well. I really need to practice some back carries before we go to Calgary cuz we are going to be going to the zoo and we wont have room for the stroller and our suitcase.
Zephran is growing up soooo fast. I miss my little bean and I cannot believe he is going to be 5 months old, next thing you know he'll be 14 and telling me he hates me haha. He has begun rolling him self around the living room floor now which means we will have to keep things higher so he doesn't pull cords or movies of of anything! Soon enough he will be crawling! He loves his exersaucer and he also likes to stand up while holding your hands. We see his doctor on Wednesday so we will see how big he is then! He is wearing some 3 month clothes but mostly 6 month and up clothes now. He sleeps through the night though he has been waking up a few more times in between. I am pretty sure he will be cutting teeth soon as he is verrrrry drooly and likes to chew more on my finger or his hand when he is cranky, I have definitely noticed a difference when he has his amber teething necklace on however, he is much less cranky when he is wearing it!
It has been awesome having Dean home. He is the biggest help ever and has made my PPD so much better, I have been able to have some me time as well as get more sleep, our house is cleaner and we are happy! Zephran is happy about it too! He loves his daddy and they have so much fun together, definitely a bonus. I will never take him for granted that's for sure. I miss him at night though as I am not used to him being gone then, but it is nice to have the option to go with him and when baby is fussy it definitely helps to put him in his car seat and go for a drive, it's an instant sleep aid for him! We also have to start planning out wedding soon since it is next year, we are also planning a vacation for this summer, I am thinking BC maybe, a nice trip in the mountains!
I am still pumping milk for Zephran, I have actually had to start freezing some every now and then, definitely makes me happy and takes a load off to be producing enough for baby. I pump 3 times a day and am getting around 35oz plus a day, Zephran eats around 30-35 a day so it works out good. I am planning pumping until he is 8-10 months old and with doing baby led weaning he will also get some solids around 8 months and once he is eating enough solids and has cut down on milk intake I will probably cut back pumping and start using my frozen supply!
We are also looking into moving to Lethbridge within the next year or so as I want to attend the LPN program at Lethbridge college and I am hoping to take my Doula certification before then, even if I take my Doula training and can get on as a Doula in Medicine Hat we may end up staying! Anyways I feel like I am rambling all over the place so until next time!
0 Goals for 2011
Friday, February 18, 2011
Here is a list of some of my goals for the year:
- Pump until baby is at least 8 months old, hopefully make it a year
- Be the best mom I can be.
- Work up to exercising an hour a day or at least 30 minutes a day
- Become a wrapping pro
- Go for a walk daily once it's nice outside
-Lose 50lbs by August, 80 by the end of the year.
-Get my Doula certification
That's my list so far, I imagine it will grow on a daily basis.
- Pump until baby is at least 8 months old, hopefully make it a year
- Be the best mom I can be.
- Work up to exercising an hour a day or at least 30 minutes a day
- Become a wrapping pro
- Go for a walk daily once it's nice outside
-Lose 50lbs by August, 80 by the end of the year.
-Get my Doula certification
That's my list so far, I imagine it will grow on a daily basis.
0 Improvement
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Since starting the new antidepressants I have noticed an improvement in myself, I am feeling happier with less negative thoughts as well as less horrible dreams. My insomnia is getting much better and I am able to fall asleep easier. However, I am noticing that I am needing naps now during the day, I chalk it up to catching up on all the sleep I had missed from never being able to sleep before 2 or 3 in the morning. My milk supply is doing awesome as well and I have cut back to pumping 3 times a day as baby is more demanding and there just isn't enough time to pump when he wants to play! I am still getting around 35-38oz a day which is what he eats approximately, I am hoping to pump until he is around 8-10 months old or longer if I can. I want him on breastmilk for over a year at least and then I plan on switching to goats milk as its closest to human milk.
Zephran is growing up so fast, changing every day! He smiles and laughs and coo's and can roll from tummy to back and is trying very hard every day to roll from back to tummy. He likes to play with his toys and likes trying to stand as well. He is sleeping in his crib now which was sad for me as I didn't want him to but he outgrew the bassinet and he seems to actually sleep better in his crib than anywhere else. I have started to get a better bedtime routine for his as well with feeding and then reading him a story or two and rocking him in our rocker in his room and then turning his aquarium on and letting him fall asleep. He is in 6 month sleepers already! He definitely doesn't look or act like a premie, I just can't believe he is going to be 5 months already!
I have decided to withdraw from all but one class as its been to much and I just need to focus on getting myself back to healthy and being the best mom I can be and fiance as well. I don't want to miss out on Zephrans milestones or be to busy to do things with him and to enjoy his growing up. I plan on taking my LPN probably in Lethbridge which means we will be moving however that will probably be next year and in the meantime within this year I plan on taking my Doula training. My end goal is to work Labour and Delivery and be a doula kinda hand in hand type thing. The midwifery program will not be available in Calgary for awhile and until then I want to get somewhere so why not start with my LPN and Doula so I have sort of backup. I decided against RN as it just to long of a program and my heart isn't in it.
Zephran has another appt in Calgary in March with a hematologist to make sure he does not have any bleeding disorders like my mom, it sucks that we have to make another trip up there but I am hoping to take him to the zoo while we are there, I think it'll be a good trip as well as Dean is off on parental leaving starting Saturday until September. We are hoping to start going to the gym as well next week. I am looking forward to getting healthy and spending time with my family and the people who mean the most to me. Anyways back to Zephran and his appts. He had to have blood work the other day and it was horrible, he did so good but I was terrified, I cant stand seeing him cry and being pain, it is a horrible feeling as a mother to watch your child be in pain. I am scared for when he has his surgery at the end of the year. I know he will be okay though.
There hasn't been any more drama really in my life thank god, even though I do keep posting links, however they are educational I find. I believe in the things I post and that's what matters. I definitely need to do some more reading on baby led weaning as I want to do that with Zephran, I am thinking we will start with steamed veggies and go from there. I hope he likes it, its all about when he is ready and not just because he will be such and such of age. I definitely can't imagine giving him solids right now that's for sure! He is growing up so fast though, I miss my little bean!
I am hoping to take him swimming soon as well as he really likes the water. I'm hoping he'll be a water baby! I cannot wait for the weather to smarten up either so we can go for walks and I can strap him to my back. I havent babyworn much but then again when we don't go anywhere it kind of hard plus we have to drive everywhere so he has to be in his car seat and I find with a 5 meter wrap its kinda hard to wrap him when we get to the place say like the mall. Once we can go for walks I will be babywearing lots though, and I'm going to start practicing back wraps soon too, just need Dean to spot me as I am paranoid of dropping the baby even if I'm sitting on the edge of the bed. Anyways its time to feed baby so I am off! Until next time.
Zephran is growing up so fast, changing every day! He smiles and laughs and coo's and can roll from tummy to back and is trying very hard every day to roll from back to tummy. He likes to play with his toys and likes trying to stand as well. He is sleeping in his crib now which was sad for me as I didn't want him to but he outgrew the bassinet and he seems to actually sleep better in his crib than anywhere else. I have started to get a better bedtime routine for his as well with feeding and then reading him a story or two and rocking him in our rocker in his room and then turning his aquarium on and letting him fall asleep. He is in 6 month sleepers already! He definitely doesn't look or act like a premie, I just can't believe he is going to be 5 months already!
I have decided to withdraw from all but one class as its been to much and I just need to focus on getting myself back to healthy and being the best mom I can be and fiance as well. I don't want to miss out on Zephrans milestones or be to busy to do things with him and to enjoy his growing up. I plan on taking my LPN probably in Lethbridge which means we will be moving however that will probably be next year and in the meantime within this year I plan on taking my Doula training. My end goal is to work Labour and Delivery and be a doula kinda hand in hand type thing. The midwifery program will not be available in Calgary for awhile and until then I want to get somewhere so why not start with my LPN and Doula so I have sort of backup. I decided against RN as it just to long of a program and my heart isn't in it.
Zephran has another appt in Calgary in March with a hematologist to make sure he does not have any bleeding disorders like my mom, it sucks that we have to make another trip up there but I am hoping to take him to the zoo while we are there, I think it'll be a good trip as well as Dean is off on parental leaving starting Saturday until September. We are hoping to start going to the gym as well next week. I am looking forward to getting healthy and spending time with my family and the people who mean the most to me. Anyways back to Zephran and his appts. He had to have blood work the other day and it was horrible, he did so good but I was terrified, I cant stand seeing him cry and being pain, it is a horrible feeling as a mother to watch your child be in pain. I am scared for when he has his surgery at the end of the year. I know he will be okay though.
There hasn't been any more drama really in my life thank god, even though I do keep posting links, however they are educational I find. I believe in the things I post and that's what matters. I definitely need to do some more reading on baby led weaning as I want to do that with Zephran, I am thinking we will start with steamed veggies and go from there. I hope he likes it, its all about when he is ready and not just because he will be such and such of age. I definitely can't imagine giving him solids right now that's for sure! He is growing up so fast though, I miss my little bean!
I am hoping to take him swimming soon as well as he really likes the water. I'm hoping he'll be a water baby! I cannot wait for the weather to smarten up either so we can go for walks and I can strap him to my back. I havent babyworn much but then again when we don't go anywhere it kind of hard plus we have to drive everywhere so he has to be in his car seat and I find with a 5 meter wrap its kinda hard to wrap him when we get to the place say like the mall. Once we can go for walks I will be babywearing lots though, and I'm going to start practicing back wraps soon too, just need Dean to spot me as I am paranoid of dropping the baby even if I'm sitting on the edge of the bed. Anyways its time to feed baby so I am off! Until next time.
0 A Night(Morning) Cap
Friday, February 11, 2011
Its 2:00 AM. I cannot for the life of me sleep. My brain will not shut off and I have tried deep breathing, thinking of calming thoughts, counting sheep, shall we keep going on? I am exhausted but sleep completely eludes me. I keep thinking about what I want to do. This whole PPD has really put a damper on things. Before having Zephran I knew what I wanted to do in life, I was dead set on being a nurse. Well after going through pregnancy and labour and our issues with all of it and everything in between and even after I really want to educate women on their choices and the natural aspect of pregnancy, labour and parenting. Unfortunately the midwifery program is not even open in Calgary yet and is not going to be easy to get into. I can take my Doula training however and am definitely interested in it. I am also thinking that maybe I could be a Doula, and also take my LPN and kinda mash those two together and still work on Labour and Delivery maybe? The only shitty part is the LPN is only offered in Brooks and I cannot find where you can take it online cuz I doubt that is even possible and well I am not driving back and forth so unless we moved somewhere where it is offered this is not possible. The RN program is intense and I have realised it just isn't for me, I don't even know how I will or if I will be able to do the LPN part of maternity because of my conflicting opinions with what they teach and what I know to be true. I also am really needing to get back on the health band wagon and get eating healthy as well as start exercising. I am thinking I am going to go back to the gym at least twice a week, hopefully 3 times even for an hour since Dean will be home. I think it will be good for me. I am also trying to figure out what to do about my Athabasca courses. I bit off more than I can chew and I know I will not be able to finish it considering we are pretty much two month down and I haven't really accomplished anything, I may stick with one of the courses but I don't know yet as my heart just isn't in it unfortunately. I really in all honesty just want to take Zephran's first year to focus on him and myself and to be the best mom and person I can be. I wish all the answers would come to me, on a silver platter, with a side of a million dollars. One can wish right?
0 Toxicity
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Oh people, how I dislike many of them and their shenanigans. Apparently facebook is the new bible and just because I post something automatically means I "know everything". Hmm the things I post about, I do my research on, I form my opinion on it and most of it if not all of it is based on fact so I guess yes I do know what I'm talking about. Just because I am 21, and a mother of one and a new mom at that, does not mean I am an uneducated bimbo on the subject. I'd like to say actually that I am more educated about the topic of natural birth and parenting than a lot of older women out there, not all, trust me I am low down still on the food chain but none the less educated, and learning more and more as days go on and will continue to learn until I am old and wrinkly. I make it a point to be educated, to read up on parenting issues, to weigh the pro's and cons and to not just take what a doctor or "higher up" says is right. Just because you went to school for 7 years, doesn't mean you know what is best for my child. People take me posting links on my facebook as me attacking them or their parenting choices, I think a lot of people feel guilt because maybe they read it and realize that what they chose wasn't the best decision, people should not do this because I am not saying your choices are wrong, unless of course you are putting your child's life in immediate danger, ie. driving around with a baby on your lab in a car going 100km an hour. I am not perfect, far from it, I struggle everyday to make the best decisions for me and my son and my family. I will always try my best to educate people by posting links because I know that people did the same when I was pregnant, how do you think I learnt so much? I will also be supportive. I have supported people who chose not to breastfeed by offering them my free formula samples, I have encouraged women to keep going when they wanted to give up breastfeeding and I also have urged women to maybe do some reading before making a final decision about certain things as well. This does not make me a horrible person or a know it all. I am trying to weed out the toxicity in my life, if you do not agree with me or my opinions that is fine because I am not shoving them down your throat or forcing you to believe what I believe. If you cant accept that I am allowed to form an opinion and be an educated parent then that's really to bad and if you feel the need to remove me from your life then that's okay too. I just hope you don't feel the need to go tattle to my mom because you feel offended by my links. Others opinions do not hurt me because I know I am doing what is best for me and my family and my child!
0 A New Me
Monday, February 7, 2011
Since having Zephran I have gained weight. This disgusts me as I DO NOT want to gain anymore and I had went down but my weight went right back up. I had started weight watchers and then fell off that wagon, more like jumped. There is no one to blame for this but me unfortunately and the first step is to go back to weight watchers tomorrow for weigh in even knowing that I have went up. The first step is to admit the problem, the second is to do something about it. I wish losing weight was easy, I wish that the weight would fall off like it does for other women who breastfeeding but nothing comes easily. I am hoping that once Dean is done work in 2 weeks that I can get a bunch of schoolwork done and then start going back to the gym a couples times a week for some me time and to get in shape. I think it would be easier to to lose the weight if I wasn't pumping for baby, of course feeding him is more important than losing the weight fast but either way I need to get back on the weight watchers band wagon, even though when I first started it wasn't working, I just need to try harder and I know it will pay off! I wish I could go on one of those kick your ass in shape weight loss shows, wouldn't that be fabulous haha oh one could only wish. I am going to give myself the best life I can and to do this I need to lose weight. I know I can do it and I will! Anyways I am off to watch house. Until next time.
0 Insomnia
Ahh insomnia, it has become a very close friend of mine since struggling with PPD. I do not enjoy our friendship at all. It is after midnight and I feel exhausted, yet I feel wide awake, like I could possibly run a marathon if I was actually in shape enough to do so. So I figure since I'm awake, why not blog to get thing off my mind.
I received news today, very heartbreaking news. My aunt Erna, well technically great aunt but none the less someone who I love dearly and have spent much time with since she moved to this city, was back in the hospital. She has had quite a few health problems lately from joint pain and emphysema to stomach issues. She was in the hospital a few weeks ago and was doing quite well while there and was eating and keeping it down and seemed to be in good spirits, after getting out she went to stay with my Grandma and wasn't doing all to well. Her son and daughter were down to talk about a care facility which I also believe she thought was a good idea because she hates being alone. Well she ended up back in hospital last night from throwing up and not feeling to good with new medications if I'm correct. In the middle of the night she got up to go to the washroom and did not call a nurse and ended up falling and breaking her hip. This news is devastating as statistics are highly against her health, they also were checking this evening for a broken wrist. Unfortunately they cannot fix anything until they stabilize her sodium levels as they are low. If and when they do the surgery to repair her hip it can go one of two ways: a) if the bone is to thin, they do a complete hip replacement which involves general anesthetic or b) if the bone is thick enough they will put in a plate and screws and pins and such and will give her a spinal, the thought of her being awake for that is enough to make me vomit however general anesthetic is detrimental to her health at her age. It's so sad though. My Grandma has cared for her and spent so much time with her and they have grown very close since she moved here, I worry so much for my Grandmas health because of the stress she is under. It's just not a nice situation to deal with and its depressing. I hope it all works out in the end.
On a happier note we had a good time at our friends house this evening and I'm up to pumping 32oz today, its a complete relief to not have to unfreeze milk and worry all the time about where his next feed will come from.
I think that once or twice a week I am going to choose a topic to write about, and somewhat debate my reasoning's for believing in said topic. These will most likely be things I have faced personally or that pertain to pregnancy/labour/parenting. I can see it being slightly controversial but I think it may educate some people as well as be a good learning experience for myself in the sense of learning how to write what I believe and not be to judgy or offensive! Anyways I should really try and sleep since milk monster will be waking up early! Until next time.
I received news today, very heartbreaking news. My aunt Erna, well technically great aunt but none the less someone who I love dearly and have spent much time with since she moved to this city, was back in the hospital. She has had quite a few health problems lately from joint pain and emphysema to stomach issues. She was in the hospital a few weeks ago and was doing quite well while there and was eating and keeping it down and seemed to be in good spirits, after getting out she went to stay with my Grandma and wasn't doing all to well. Her son and daughter were down to talk about a care facility which I also believe she thought was a good idea because she hates being alone. Well she ended up back in hospital last night from throwing up and not feeling to good with new medications if I'm correct. In the middle of the night she got up to go to the washroom and did not call a nurse and ended up falling and breaking her hip. This news is devastating as statistics are highly against her health, they also were checking this evening for a broken wrist. Unfortunately they cannot fix anything until they stabilize her sodium levels as they are low. If and when they do the surgery to repair her hip it can go one of two ways: a) if the bone is to thin, they do a complete hip replacement which involves general anesthetic or b) if the bone is thick enough they will put in a plate and screws and pins and such and will give her a spinal, the thought of her being awake for that is enough to make me vomit however general anesthetic is detrimental to her health at her age. It's so sad though. My Grandma has cared for her and spent so much time with her and they have grown very close since she moved here, I worry so much for my Grandmas health because of the stress she is under. It's just not a nice situation to deal with and its depressing. I hope it all works out in the end.
On a happier note we had a good time at our friends house this evening and I'm up to pumping 32oz today, its a complete relief to not have to unfreeze milk and worry all the time about where his next feed will come from.
I think that once or twice a week I am going to choose a topic to write about, and somewhat debate my reasoning's for believing in said topic. These will most likely be things I have faced personally or that pertain to pregnancy/labour/parenting. I can see it being slightly controversial but I think it may educate some people as well as be a good learning experience for myself in the sense of learning how to write what I believe and not be to judgy or offensive! Anyways I should really try and sleep since milk monster will be waking up early! Until next time.
0 Looking Up and moving forward
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Today is a new day! I am feeling better and things are looking up. I feel more positive and less stressed out. More a feeling of everything is definitely going to work itself out. I am very proud of myself and how my milk production is doing, I'm pumping over 30oz a day, yesterday I was at 31 and this eases my mind and stress because I know I'm producing enough to feed baby! Baby is doing amazing as well, he's giggling more and developing each day, I am such a proud mama.
Today is superbowl so we are heading to some friends houses to watch the game and eat some wings and just kick back and relax, definitely looking forward to that! My massage yesterday was amazing, something I really needed and the lady who gave me my massage is a pretty phenomenal women. She told me I'd be a fantastic midwife and also said she was very interested in going that route herself as she had attended 52 births. She has traveled all over the world including Morocco and Peru and even climbed Machu Pichu, very cool stuff if you ask me. I definitely am hoping to go back to her at some point a she helped me feel a lot of relief.
The drama from yesterday has cooled down, it really didn't phase me, just made me laugh more or less. It's true though that the people who decide to personally attack you about it are those who are just guilty, quite ridiculous actually but no skin off my back as those types of people are not worth my time. I think it doesn't bother me because I know what I am doing is right and best for our child. Them attacking me pretty much just validates this in my minds!
Anyways I am off for the day, I may pot later if anything interesting transpires! Until next time.
Today is superbowl so we are heading to some friends houses to watch the game and eat some wings and just kick back and relax, definitely looking forward to that! My massage yesterday was amazing, something I really needed and the lady who gave me my massage is a pretty phenomenal women. She told me I'd be a fantastic midwife and also said she was very interested in going that route herself as she had attended 52 births. She has traveled all over the world including Morocco and Peru and even climbed Machu Pichu, very cool stuff if you ask me. I definitely am hoping to go back to her at some point a she helped me feel a lot of relief.
The drama from yesterday has cooled down, it really didn't phase me, just made me laugh more or less. It's true though that the people who decide to personally attack you about it are those who are just guilty, quite ridiculous actually but no skin off my back as those types of people are not worth my time. I think it doesn't bother me because I know what I am doing is right and best for our child. Them attacking me pretty much just validates this in my minds!
Anyways I am off for the day, I may pot later if anything interesting transpires! Until next time.
1 Clean Sweep
Saturday, February 5, 2011
I have a lot to say, so this may be long.
I have come to the realization that no one likes to hear that they are doing something wrong, especially when it comes to raising their children. Yesterdays post caused A LOT of drama and when I mean a lot I mean a lot. It involved me getting BOMBARDED with texts from an old friend, harassing me in a sense and telling me I was a hypocrite. How I am a hypocrite I have no idea as I practice what I preach and links I post to facebook. I do my research and my info DOES NOT come from a wiki site, it comes from reputable resources. I am very tired of hearing "Well I did this and that and my child is fine" That's nice, people smoke crack and shoot heroin and their children can end up fine as well, does that mean you should do it? No. Also believing everything a doctor tells you is crap. Doctors are not always right just because they went to school for 7 or longer years. How did the world ever survive without a doctor telling you everything you need to know? People take thing way to personally, like I am judging them because they did this or that, I really could care less what you do, I am not here to judge I am here and posting things because I follow them and because I am trying to educate people as well. I plan on training to be a Doula and then Midwife, when I post these things then will you continue to take it as me judging you? You shouldn't because I know what I am doing is best for my child, not yours. I have people on my facebook who didn't breastfeed, who feed their kids steak at like 5 months, you don't see me bombarding them with info or telling them they are wrong. I am stating FACTS, Breastfeeding is best, whether or not you choose to do it is your choice, feeding solids before 6 months CAN have detrimental effects, this is also a FACT, does it mean it will for surely happen, no but that is not the point, there are many cases of if you do this, this could happen, it doesn't mean it will but still. If you don't like what I post on here or on my facebook then don't say anything and if you do then so be it but I will state my opinion right back, which will be backed up with fact, no one has given me facts showing shoving food in your under 6 month old mouth is beneficial. Also yes I am choosing to delay/not vaccinate, did you know that mot of the vaccinations don't guarantee that your child won't get the illness, did you know that most of those diseases are soooooo rare. For example, Tetanus, well your going to get a shot if you step on a rusty nail anyways. I was vaccinated, still got mumps, still got chicken pox and still got measles and whooping cough. Wow what good those vaccinations did. Since people are giving me a lot of flack and telling me I'm spewing crazy baby mama shit I decided to remove people from facebook as well as block phone numbers. Talking shit behind my back also does not fly with me so bye bye negativity and uneducated people, have a nice life! I always found it funny when people who had already had kids were asking me, a first time mom for advice. I feel better though removing these people from my life, they don't need to be there, they are not benefiting me in any way shape or form. Some mean things were said, I'm definitely not proud of that but being told I'm jealous because I can't breastfeed, and that I'm harming my son by taking antidepressants and not vaccinating and also that I mooch off my fiance is definitely worth a fight back. I don't directly breastfeed but he still gets the liquid gold and he also still tries to breastfeed, my antidepressants do not harm him either and I'm sorry but the alternative to them is not taking them and risking my sanity and the well being of myself and my child. Vaccinating, well you read what I wrote above and that I mooch off Dean is bullshit. I guess every mom that stays home must mooch off her husband then. We as a couple decided to have a baby, he wasn't an oops, it was a decision and we are doing just fine. People are so concerned with my life and what I do when all I care about is doing what is best for our child! He is mine and Deans main priority. If you don't agree with how I raise my son then good on ya because he isn't your child. I will always listen to opinions and there are always different circumstances for everything. If I lose friends which I already have then they were not good friends to begin with! I say C'est la vie!
In other exciting news, my Doula Michelle has asked me to guest post on her businesses blog! I am very excited to do this as I feel that my struggles will be able to help others and maybe give them some insight into what its like to be a first time mom to a premie!
I am off however to pump and then to have a nice relaxing massage!!
I have come to the realization that no one likes to hear that they are doing something wrong, especially when it comes to raising their children. Yesterdays post caused A LOT of drama and when I mean a lot I mean a lot. It involved me getting BOMBARDED with texts from an old friend, harassing me in a sense and telling me I was a hypocrite. How I am a hypocrite I have no idea as I practice what I preach and links I post to facebook. I do my research and my info DOES NOT come from a wiki site, it comes from reputable resources. I am very tired of hearing "Well I did this and that and my child is fine" That's nice, people smoke crack and shoot heroin and their children can end up fine as well, does that mean you should do it? No. Also believing everything a doctor tells you is crap. Doctors are not always right just because they went to school for 7 or longer years. How did the world ever survive without a doctor telling you everything you need to know? People take thing way to personally, like I am judging them because they did this or that, I really could care less what you do, I am not here to judge I am here and posting things because I follow them and because I am trying to educate people as well. I plan on training to be a Doula and then Midwife, when I post these things then will you continue to take it as me judging you? You shouldn't because I know what I am doing is best for my child, not yours. I have people on my facebook who didn't breastfeed, who feed their kids steak at like 5 months, you don't see me bombarding them with info or telling them they are wrong. I am stating FACTS, Breastfeeding is best, whether or not you choose to do it is your choice, feeding solids before 6 months CAN have detrimental effects, this is also a FACT, does it mean it will for surely happen, no but that is not the point, there are many cases of if you do this, this could happen, it doesn't mean it will but still. If you don't like what I post on here or on my facebook then don't say anything and if you do then so be it but I will state my opinion right back, which will be backed up with fact, no one has given me facts showing shoving food in your under 6 month old mouth is beneficial. Also yes I am choosing to delay/not vaccinate, did you know that mot of the vaccinations don't guarantee that your child won't get the illness, did you know that most of those diseases are soooooo rare. For example, Tetanus, well your going to get a shot if you step on a rusty nail anyways. I was vaccinated, still got mumps, still got chicken pox and still got measles and whooping cough. Wow what good those vaccinations did. Since people are giving me a lot of flack and telling me I'm spewing crazy baby mama shit I decided to remove people from facebook as well as block phone numbers. Talking shit behind my back also does not fly with me so bye bye negativity and uneducated people, have a nice life! I always found it funny when people who had already had kids were asking me, a first time mom for advice. I feel better though removing these people from my life, they don't need to be there, they are not benefiting me in any way shape or form. Some mean things were said, I'm definitely not proud of that but being told I'm jealous because I can't breastfeed, and that I'm harming my son by taking antidepressants and not vaccinating and also that I mooch off my fiance is definitely worth a fight back. I don't directly breastfeed but he still gets the liquid gold and he also still tries to breastfeed, my antidepressants do not harm him either and I'm sorry but the alternative to them is not taking them and risking my sanity and the well being of myself and my child. Vaccinating, well you read what I wrote above and that I mooch off Dean is bullshit. I guess every mom that stays home must mooch off her husband then. We as a couple decided to have a baby, he wasn't an oops, it was a decision and we are doing just fine. People are so concerned with my life and what I do when all I care about is doing what is best for our child! He is mine and Deans main priority. If you don't agree with how I raise my son then good on ya because he isn't your child. I will always listen to opinions and there are always different circumstances for everything. If I lose friends which I already have then they were not good friends to begin with! I say C'est la vie!
In other exciting news, my Doula Michelle has asked me to guest post on her businesses blog! I am very excited to do this as I feel that my struggles will be able to help others and maybe give them some insight into what its like to be a first time mom to a premie!
I am off however to pump and then to have a nice relaxing massage!!
0 Side Effects and Controversy
Friday, February 4, 2011
Day 3 of new meds and they are not giving me an easy ride. The side effects are not nice, the headache and stomach cramps are the worst of it, mostly the headache, however my milk supply has increased. Before I was getting around 20oz a day and yesterday I was up to 25, so far today I've gotten 13oz so I'm hoping to get around 25 or more today if possible. I'd like to make around 30 oz or more a day if possible so I'm hopeful this will work. As for the anti-depressants, meh they aren't working as of yet but it takes quite awhile so we'll see.
In other news STOMP was fricken amazing, seriously entertainment at its best. I never could have imagined people could make sounds and beats with plastic bag and paper bags or brooms and garbage cans. Pure awesomeness. I however am starting to worry more about my mom. I am scared that her husband is not treating her nicely and I will not put up with it, serious you hurt my mom and I break your face, end of story. She deserves the world, especially for how she takes care of him and what she does for him. I also do not need the added stress of it either.
Dean is probably gonna be home during the days soon which is awesome, though I am a bit nervous cuz I don't want us to drive each other insane. With him home though I should be able to get my schooling done and maybe after I get that done I can start going to the gym! It'll be good to enjoy our son's first year together and to watch him grow and learn new things. Dean and I are going out tonight on a date. We don't get to have them very often anymore but I cherish them when we do.
I posted a link today about how breastfeeding stats have went up in the world with exclusively breastfeeding until 6 months at least and its started a bit of controversy as it usually does. People will choose what they want for their kids, even when world health organizations everywhere say that 6 months is when you should start solids and not until. People are always well i gave them this at this old and our parents are always saying well we did this with you and you survived, that's not the point. Crack heads smoke crack and have babies that are fine, does that mean we should smoke crack while pregnant? No. Delaying solids is very beneficial, babies stomachs are not meant to handle solids before then, that doesn't mean people who do feed there kids solids before then will have a sick child or that there child will be slow or anything but its 6 months for a reason, if anyone wants to read why its 6 months here is a link to some VERY good info:http://www.kellymom.com/nutrition/solids/delay-solids.html. Personally we won't be starting solids early, or even at 6 months, we plan on doing baby led weaning which if you want to read more about that here is a link:http://www.babyledweaning.com/ . We also wont be doing rice cereal or puree's as rice cereal has no nutritional value and with the baby led weaning it teaches baby to chew before swallow. Its very interesting actually. I believe so strongly in educating yourself when you are pregnant, on everything from labour and delivery, to being a parent. You don't go buy a new car before reading up on it do you, I know bad reference but still!
Anyways I am off to pump and feed a hungry little milk monster. Until next time!
In other news STOMP was fricken amazing, seriously entertainment at its best. I never could have imagined people could make sounds and beats with plastic bag and paper bags or brooms and garbage cans. Pure awesomeness. I however am starting to worry more about my mom. I am scared that her husband is not treating her nicely and I will not put up with it, serious you hurt my mom and I break your face, end of story. She deserves the world, especially for how she takes care of him and what she does for him. I also do not need the added stress of it either.
Dean is probably gonna be home during the days soon which is awesome, though I am a bit nervous cuz I don't want us to drive each other insane. With him home though I should be able to get my schooling done and maybe after I get that done I can start going to the gym! It'll be good to enjoy our son's first year together and to watch him grow and learn new things. Dean and I are going out tonight on a date. We don't get to have them very often anymore but I cherish them when we do.
I posted a link today about how breastfeeding stats have went up in the world with exclusively breastfeeding until 6 months at least and its started a bit of controversy as it usually does. People will choose what they want for their kids, even when world health organizations everywhere say that 6 months is when you should start solids and not until. People are always well i gave them this at this old and our parents are always saying well we did this with you and you survived, that's not the point. Crack heads smoke crack and have babies that are fine, does that mean we should smoke crack while pregnant? No. Delaying solids is very beneficial, babies stomachs are not meant to handle solids before then, that doesn't mean people who do feed there kids solids before then will have a sick child or that there child will be slow or anything but its 6 months for a reason, if anyone wants to read why its 6 months here is a link to some VERY good info:http://www.kellymom.com/nutrition/solids/delay-solids.html. Personally we won't be starting solids early, or even at 6 months, we plan on doing baby led weaning which if you want to read more about that here is a link:http://www.babyledweaning.com/ . We also wont be doing rice cereal or puree's as rice cereal has no nutritional value and with the baby led weaning it teaches baby to chew before swallow. Its very interesting actually. I believe so strongly in educating yourself when you are pregnant, on everything from labour and delivery, to being a parent. You don't go buy a new car before reading up on it do you, I know bad reference but still!
Anyways I am off to pump and feed a hungry little milk monster. Until next time!
0 A New Day
Thursday, February 3, 2011
It's day two of new medication. Not a fun time. Normally I am not affected by medications, I usually never experience bad side effects but since Ive now started new antidepressants and the motillium to increase milk I feel like Ive been hit by a semi. Symptoms include: pounding headache, dry mouth and an upset stomach with cramps, OH JOYYYY! I stay positive though knowing this is helping me int he long run and I feel like the motillium is working because I got up and pumped 12 oz where as i was only getting 9 before so we are doing good so far. Antidepressants take awhile to kick in but for now I am doing okay, I have bad moments and good moments, I just need to keep my head up and I know I'll get through this!
Zephran is growing up so fast. I went through some of his clothes and I cannot believe that I am going to already have to bust out his storage bin of clothes and go through them all to decide what will fit him now. His smiles make my day, I could go on and on because I am a very proud mama and I love this little boy more than anything in this world! I have still been trying to put him to breast to see if he will breastfeed, its very hit and miss, sometimes he will try and others he will not. I still hold out hope that he will breastfeed after his cleft palate surgery, even if he doesn't that's okay because he will have still gotten my breast milk! My granny told me I should let him touch his bottle so he knows that's where milk come from but I don't like that idea, I want him to know that milk comes from his mama, not a bottle. Big pet peeve for me is babies holding their own bottles, definitely not gonna happen for us as that's my job as a mother, I think feel this way because Zephran doesn't breastfeed directly. Zephran has a developmental appt next week where they check his development, I'm a bit nervous for it, I shouldn't be because he is developing fine but I'm just a paranoid mom. I really hope they don't bring up vaccinations either because we've chosen to delay/not vaccinate. So far we haven't been bugged which is wonderful. He gets him immunities from me and well the additives in immunizations are crazy. We decided not to immunize because of the chance of a reaction to the immunization. No I don't think immunizations give you autism lol.
I am excited that I get to go out tonight with my mom! We are going to see STOMP which should be fantastic, nothing like a bunch of people beating on garbage cans haha. I am also very excited for my massage on Saturday. I don't like leaving Zephran, in fact it gives me a mini panic attack thinking about it. I do however need some me time, even if it just a bubble bath. I'm his mom, I don't think I should have to leave him even though people insist I should go out and take me time. Anyways milk monster is hungry so until next time!
Zephran is growing up so fast. I went through some of his clothes and I cannot believe that I am going to already have to bust out his storage bin of clothes and go through them all to decide what will fit him now. His smiles make my day, I could go on and on because I am a very proud mama and I love this little boy more than anything in this world! I have still been trying to put him to breast to see if he will breastfeed, its very hit and miss, sometimes he will try and others he will not. I still hold out hope that he will breastfeed after his cleft palate surgery, even if he doesn't that's okay because he will have still gotten my breast milk! My granny told me I should let him touch his bottle so he knows that's where milk come from but I don't like that idea, I want him to know that milk comes from his mama, not a bottle. Big pet peeve for me is babies holding their own bottles, definitely not gonna happen for us as that's my job as a mother, I think feel this way because Zephran doesn't breastfeed directly. Zephran has a developmental appt next week where they check his development, I'm a bit nervous for it, I shouldn't be because he is developing fine but I'm just a paranoid mom. I really hope they don't bring up vaccinations either because we've chosen to delay/not vaccinate. So far we haven't been bugged which is wonderful. He gets him immunities from me and well the additives in immunizations are crazy. We decided not to immunize because of the chance of a reaction to the immunization. No I don't think immunizations give you autism lol.
I am excited that I get to go out tonight with my mom! We are going to see STOMP which should be fantastic, nothing like a bunch of people beating on garbage cans haha. I am also very excited for my massage on Saturday. I don't like leaving Zephran, in fact it gives me a mini panic attack thinking about it. I do however need some me time, even if it just a bubble bath. I'm his mom, I don't think I should have to leave him even though people insist I should go out and take me time. Anyways milk monster is hungry so until next time!
0 So much to do!
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Life as a mother is definitely a full time job, now add in pumping and a bad case of PPD along with being a full time student and any sane person would probably rip their hair out. I've definitely come close but I try my best to stay positive because I know that the PPD will eventually fade and I WILL get my schoolwork done in time so that I can take the whole summer off and enjoy it. Now on top of just my motherly duties I also feel like I should be cleaning and cooking and keeping things organized. I am having a VERY difficult time doing this, in fact my place in that area is pretty much non existent. I'm going to try my best this week to get some stuff done though, I'm hoping to maybe get some schoolwork done today even if its just a small assignment or some reading, anything is better than nothing.
My doctors appt went okay yesterday, I've had to start new antidepressants which sucks hardcore as I didn't want to have to take anything, it makes me feel defeated that I need these pills in order to get better but this way is much better than the alternative. I'm hoping the transition to this new medication is smooth as it can be quite tricky. I also had to start taking Motillium to increase my milk supply as my herbs are not cutting it and I am no longer producing enough for Zephran, I'm hoping it works as I want to pump until he is at least 8 months old if not longer, I still have some hope that he will breastfeed once he has his surgery to repair the cleft.
He is growing up so fast, I cannot believe he is already 4 months old, that he coo's all the time, that he can roll over from tummy to back and a swack of other things that make me an overly excited mom! I cant wait till it is warm enough so I can take him for walks outside, good for him and wonderful exercise for me as well. I really wish I had time to go to the gym 3 times a week, an hour break for me to work out my stress and feel better in the long run. Maybe in the future this will be a possibility but right now its not and that's okay!
I got on the scale today and my weight has gone down by 5 pounds, whether that's actually true who knows because it seems to fluctuate regularly. I am back on the eating right bandwagon because I need to go to weigh in next week.
My dad's wedding was on Monday, it was a beautiful ceremony, small but wonderful and I am proud to say I didn't even shed a tear, though I came close many a times BUT i didn't so I'm proud haha. They even gave Zephran a little suit to wear, seriously cutest thing ever!
I'm also very excited for my massage tomorrow, I definitely need the break and have had a kink in my neck for a few days that needs to be worked out, I'm hoping for a good beating!
Well it's pumping time so I am off!
My doctors appt went okay yesterday, I've had to start new antidepressants which sucks hardcore as I didn't want to have to take anything, it makes me feel defeated that I need these pills in order to get better but this way is much better than the alternative. I'm hoping the transition to this new medication is smooth as it can be quite tricky. I also had to start taking Motillium to increase my milk supply as my herbs are not cutting it and I am no longer producing enough for Zephran, I'm hoping it works as I want to pump until he is at least 8 months old if not longer, I still have some hope that he will breastfeed once he has his surgery to repair the cleft.
He is growing up so fast, I cannot believe he is already 4 months old, that he coo's all the time, that he can roll over from tummy to back and a swack of other things that make me an overly excited mom! I cant wait till it is warm enough so I can take him for walks outside, good for him and wonderful exercise for me as well. I really wish I had time to go to the gym 3 times a week, an hour break for me to work out my stress and feel better in the long run. Maybe in the future this will be a possibility but right now its not and that's okay!
I got on the scale today and my weight has gone down by 5 pounds, whether that's actually true who knows because it seems to fluctuate regularly. I am back on the eating right bandwagon because I need to go to weigh in next week.
My dad's wedding was on Monday, it was a beautiful ceremony, small but wonderful and I am proud to say I didn't even shed a tear, though I came close many a times BUT i didn't so I'm proud haha. They even gave Zephran a little suit to wear, seriously cutest thing ever!
I'm also very excited for my massage tomorrow, I definitely need the break and have had a kink in my neck for a few days that needs to be worked out, I'm hoping for a good beating!
Well it's pumping time so I am off!
0 PPD
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Post Partum Depression, some people think its bullshit but in all reality it isn't. Until you have experienced it yourself you have no idea. I am struggling, struggling very hard with PPD, let me tell you it sucks horribly. I criticize myself wayy to much and way to hard, I over analyze everything and pretty much hate everything right now except for Zephran, I love him more than anything in this world and I cannot imagine life without him. He makes the hard days worth it just by looking up at me and smiling or telling me his little stories. I wish i could kick this feeling I have but I can't seem to. I feel like I accomplish nothing in a day except for feeding the baby and pumping and eating food myself. I want to be able to get schoolwork done, I want to clean the house and I want to bake and do fun things but there is a cloud covering me right now and its deadlocked on growing bigger and falling closer and closer towards my head. None of this probably makes sense but to me it does so that's all that matters. At first I did not struggle, at all with PPD. I was happy, content, everything was going my way, that soon changed. I blame myself a lot for Zephran coming early, for him having a cleft palate, it sounds ridiculous but its true. I am soooo tired of pumping, but I will not let myself give up. I have also been trying to lose weight, that is not going well. I lost all the baby weight after being pregnant within like two weeks and somehow have gained 10 pounds now. I have been trying to do weight watchers and eating lots of fruit and veggies and it's not working. Failing sucks balls. I don't want diabetes, I don't want to be obese. I also wish I had time to exercise. I know that I will figure it all out, but I hope it doesn't take forever to do so. I see my doctor today to figure out what we can do about my PPD because its not getting better, if anything its getting worse. I have to keep my chin up though because my son needs his mother and I need him more than anything! Sorry for the clusterfuck of thoughts, jut not a good day.
