A Night(Morning) Cap

Its 2:00 AM. I cannot for the life of me sleep. My brain will not shut off and I have tried deep breathing, thinking of calming thoughts, counting sheep, shall we keep going on? I am exhausted but sleep completely eludes me. I keep thinking about what I want to do. This whole PPD has really put a damper on things. Before having Zephran I knew what I wanted to do in life, I was dead set on being a nurse. Well after going through pregnancy and labour and our issues with all of it and everything in between and even after I really want to educate women on their choices and the natural aspect of pregnancy, labour and parenting. Unfortunately the midwifery program is not even open in Calgary yet and is not going to be easy to get into. I can take my Doula training however and am definitely interested in it. I am also thinking that maybe I could be a Doula, and also take my LPN and kinda mash those two together and still work on Labour and Delivery maybe? The only shitty part is the LPN is only offered in Brooks and I cannot find where you can take it online cuz I doubt that is even possible and well I am not driving back and forth so unless we moved somewhere where it is offered this is not possible. The RN program is intense and I have realised it just isn't for me, I don't even know how I will or if I will be able to do the LPN part of maternity because of my conflicting opinions with what they teach and what I know to be true. I also am really needing to get back on the health band wagon and get eating healthy as well as start exercising. I am thinking I am going to go back to the gym at least twice a week, hopefully 3 times even for an hour since Dean will be home. I think it will be good for me. I am also trying to figure out what to do about my Athabasca courses. I bit off more than I can chew and I know I will not be able to finish it considering we are pretty much two month down and I haven't really accomplished anything, I may stick with one of the courses but I don't know yet as my heart just isn't in it unfortunately. I really in all honesty just want to take Zephran's first year to focus on him and myself and to be the best mom and person I can be. I wish all the answers would come to me, on a silver platter, with a side of a million dollars. One can wish right?